Lamby

When my mom was sick, someone had given her a stuffed healing lamb. Mom used to sit on the couch with it, sleep with it, everything. So when my mom's best friend Susan was diagnosed with cancer, mom ended up giving Susan her healing lamb. A while later, Susan bought her a replacement, also known as "Lamby."

When mom passed we set Lamby up on her casket. I even told the people from the funeral home that the lamb could rest with mom. Somehow, it ended up in the bottom of the bag with some other keepsakes and belongings we received after the burial. What a gift- mom must have know that "Lamby" would soon have another calling in life.

I hid Lamby for a while because I didn't want it getting lost or destroyed by one of the kids.... and it smelled just like mom. There were several times that I would smell it and then burst into tears. The memory of smell is so amazing.

One day I was holding Leila and I went into my closet to get something from my supplies and Leila spotted Lamby and just about jumped out of my arms in excitement- as if Lamby were a long-lost friend- she kicked and laughed and grabbed for her. What was I to do? I could see how happy she was and so I gave it to her. She grabbed it and held it and rubbed her face on it and wouldn't let it go. It was so adorable and strange- she had never acted like that before towards any of the other hundreds of stuffies we have.

Now she doesn't go anywhere without it. She eats with it (unfortunately, notice the cheerios):

and sleeps with it and crawls with it and has to have it in the car... and library... and store. She even ended up accidentally throwing it in the trash yesterday. I was so thankful I had just changed the bag!  I looked online for a back-up yesterday just in case it ever comes up missing.

Part of my sadness and grief has always been that my girls wouldn't get to know my mom. How beautiful it is that in little and big ways she remains in our lives and how a little stuffed lamb that brought her comfort so many times is now doing the same for her granddaughter.

God, did you plan this? Man, you are good!

A God-cation?

I had every intention of writing about this a couple of weeks ago after I actually experienced it. I guess it took me some time to process it.

If you have read some of my other posts, you probably get what has been going on in my life over the past 6 months. Hands down, it has been the most challenging I have ever experienced to this point. It's all relative, I guess. I have felt deep, deep sadness and grief over the loss of my mom. I have felt depression, despair, heartbreak, overwhelmed, anxiety, confusion and so much more. I have felt happiness and joy but only in little spurts that don't stay very long. Everyday has been a clear opportunity to draw near to God and stay put in His presence. It truly has been my refuge during this time.

Two weeks ago I had a beautiful opportunity to take a vacation without leaving the farm, if you know what I mean. It is very hard to explain and some reading this will think I am a little coo-coo. But I am not. I believe that God gave me a vacation from life for a whole week without ever leaving my home or town. Let me explain.

I woke up on Monday and just felt really good and calm. For the whole week I felt this way- a very odd feeling for me. On Monday night I had the dream that I shared in a different post about my mom playing with my girls. On Tuesday morning I woke up with a heart full and overflowing with thankfulness and joy for God and the gift that He gave me through that dream. All week long I was super-patient with my girls (sorry, I would love to say that I am a beacon of light for my children at all times but....) and when Jamie and I weren't exactly on the same page with things, it just rolled right off and didn't phase me. I just had a very extraordinarily positive view about....well, everything. I spent time with friends just living in the moment. I took a meal to a friend who just had a baby. It was awesome. When things kind of went back to normal the following week, what had happened the week before became very obvious and stunning. It was a God-thing.

I deserve nothing. I haven't been mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend or anything else, of-the-year. This has been a very needy and humbling season in my life. For God to display His mercy on me in a way that freed me from my everyday burdens without actually taking me out of my everyday- wow! Really, amazing. I could cry just talking about it. I am nothing but God, my creator, believes I am something. He took time out of His busy schedule to carry me for a week.

My heart pours out right now as I share about this week that I had. The God that we have is one of love and personal relationships. He cares about our little stuff. And our big stuff. He knows this life is tough and that is why He offers peace that we can't possibly understand.

Amen!