Leila hit the BIG # 1

Leila's "healthy" carrot cupcake

 My darling Leila hit numero uno about two weeks ago now. I can't believe it! For her birthday we celebrated her and Sofia whose birthday was in June. It was pretty low key and fun- mostly family. It was a book themed gathering and the invites looked like library cards and had a picture of the girls on the pocket. Another great idea from Disney Family Fun. We collected books for a local charity who delivers books to kids in hospitals instead of gifts. It worked out :) Here are some more pics:


Dad helping Leila with her hammering toy



Sofia and her birthday crown

The girls opening some things from mom and dad

Play tunnel!

I am so glad that we could celebrate our girls. The ice cream sundaes were good. The day was sunny. Who could ask for more?

A bad case of the yuckies

I feel like crap.

And because this is my blog and you have elected to read it (sorry and thank you), here is a list of what I feel like crap about:

1. My mom. I miss her so much. I ask myself all the time when things will be better and seem ok again. The thing is, some days I feel ok that she is gone and other days feel like she died yesterday. Today is one of those days. I need her today, because I feel like I don't have anyone else.

2. The ex-files. Enough said.

3. Toddler teething. I truly feel like Leila wants to crawl back up where she came from and live there. Thankfully now she can say "momma" so I definitely know it is me she wants and not someone else. Yay!

4. Bad girl Sofia. She has been getting into everything and doing things that she knows are bad. It's as if she is not in control of her own body. This is a new phase for us, and I don't like it.

5. "Why, mom?" "Why?" "WHY?" WHY? WHYWHYWHY aaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

6. Probably PMS too. Who knows?

7. Comparing myself to others

8. The beginning of the end of summer

9. Coming off of 3 days by myself with the kids

10. Having to ask my children 152 times to do anything and have them ignore me like I never said anything

11. Humidity that makes it hard to breathe

12. Toxic relationships

13. The perpetually untidy house. Scratch that, a house that the only way it would truly be clean would be for it to be bulldozed and built new on top. Nevertheless, I remain thankful (sometimes through gritted teeth).

14. Not being on the same page with the love of my life

15. Getting up 4 times a night and hearing about all these other moms who have children who have been sleeping through the night since...FOREVER.


I think that might be it. Number one is just amplified by all the other little ones. It was always her and me. And now it's just me. And some days I don't want to put on my big girl panties. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. That was today- minus that hole.

Looking forward to a new beginning tomorrow. Sorry for the sad, drab post :(

Guilty pleasures

I have never really compiled a list of these things before but I thought it might be fun to name a few and highlight my imperfections a bit more. Yay- just what I need!

1. Soda pop. I frickin' love a soda on occasion. When I can get past the feeling that I am adding to my cancer risk by drinking it and just enjoy myself, it is awesome! Fountain soda, foam cup, plastic cup, can, bottle. In that order and always with ice. So weird.

2. Hip-hop music. I really still just want to be a back-up dancer in a hip-hop video, just once. I love to dance and if I am aiming to get pumped for something (sometimes even church on sunday- eeeek!) I might listen to a bit. Pitbull, Black Eyed Peas, Outkast, Kanye West, Missy Elliot. In that order. There are others.

3. Junk food in general. Or more specifically, McDonald's fries, chocolate anything, Redvine licorice, iced coffee, and when I really don't care if I die tomorrow, something called a "pizza puff" from the local fast greek food place. I do pretty well. I haven't had a pizza puff in years, the iced coffee has a pound of sugar and makes me feel jittery, the Redvine licorice and it's Red 40 dye freaks me out a bit, and the fries and their harmful used and reused oils give me the heebies. But every now and then.

4. Transformers and Disney movies. I love them. When my daughter watches Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast, she asks me to be quiet because I am singing too loud. Just in case you are wondering: Beauty and the Beast, Finding Nemo, Toy Story(s), Aladdin, and Cinderella. Tonight we watched Revenge of the Fallen (Transformers 2) and decided that I can't get over cars and change into super-fantastic alien robots and fight each other. Here we go: Optimus Prime, Bumble Bee, Jetfire, Devastator.

5. Writing poetry. I love doing it but I have little time to get into poetry mode. It's usually pretty raw and untamed. Might rhyme, might not. Definitely uses appropriate language for whatever I am trying to convey- good or bad. No list of favorite poets here- sorry!

More on my inner workings another time!

Peanuts and other fun kids stuff

I have been thinking lately that it is time to start really talking to my 3 year old, Sofia, about some birds and bees stuff. So... I started the other day with a book I got from the library. It is called "God made your body" by Jim Burns. It is super light and perfect for the 3-5 age group but definitely uses accurate terminology for body parts.

We read through the whole book and then we have the following conversation:

Me: Remember that girls have a special body part called a vagina so that one day they can grow up and be mommies and boys have a special body part called a penis so that they can grow up and become daddies.

Sofia: ...an I have a agina?

Me: Yes and so do I. What special part does daddy have?

Sofia: A peanit.

Me: And Leila? What does she have?

Sofia: A agina!

(pause where I am excited that Sofia and I seem to be on the same page with our first birds and bees chat...)

Sofia (very excited, now): So one day I grow up and Up and UP, and I have a peanut in my butt?!

Me: (a huge laugh like one of those you try to hide and not laugh but it comes out anyway and big!) I'm sorry honey, what you said made me laugh a little. You are such a silly girl!

I think it went pretty well outside of the peanut in the butt thing :)

P.s. Sofia thinks your "butt" is everything down there so that will be our next hurdle. One day at a time...

The new me

I am ready for something new. Do you ever feel like that?

I had a really yucky week about a week or two ago. I just felt like I had the need-a-change heebies. I have recently had some changes take place within relationships, my place of worship, and the flow of my household. Finding a new normal is so stressful and gives me the feeling like I want to uproot and start all over again. It's hard to explain. I hope I am making a piece of sense.

The yucky feeling I had has turned into a positive feeling about making some positive changes for my life and my family's lives. Game on.

At the end of next month I have this wonderful opportunity to take training to become a certified Birth Doula. A Birth Doula is a trained labor support person and fulfills a variety of roles and makes birth the best experience that it can be. This is something that has been on my heart since I became pregnant with Leila and has kept with me. I am reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I love it. This is definitely a new, uncharted path for me. It's a way that I can work with other moms and babies and support my family too. Can't wait!

It's totally heinous but my husband starts school in 3 weeks. Yuck. I feel like I just got used to him being here with me and the kids everyday and now- another transition! I am not complaining. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband with summers off. It is beautiful. Everyone thinks that teaching is the best job in the world with the whole summers-off thing. Let me tell you, it makes up for the fact that my husband wakes up at 4:30am everyday to grade so that he can spend time with the kids in the evening before totally crashing out. And the anxiety. And the sleeplessness. And the fact that my husband doesn't laugh almost at all during the school year. The pay isn't glamourous either but we are thankful for it. Anyway, his impending return make me feel inspired to embrace the change than resist. Here are some things on my school time/fall to do list:

1. Get the holistic/homeopathic medicine cabinet ready
2. Touch of the paint on the house
3. Organize our calendar for the next several months
4. Plan date nights/times
5. Put up a display wire for the kids project and art from home and school
6. Plan Thanksgiving and Christmas

You probably think I am nutz-o for thinking of medicine cabinets and winter holidays but no way. Have I mentioned that I am "seasonally affected" (hahah S.A.D. jokes here) and that I spent all last fall (from Sept 13 or Dec 15) with my mom who was dying of cancer?

My fall/winter anxiety is welling and I am trying to be cool about everything. I think I would be an awesome psychological experiment for someone....

Update on all this soon!

My God, my Provider

I know I have written before about the bible verse that talks about God's provision for His people.

It comes from Matthew 6: 30-33 and says:

"And if God cares so wonderfully for the wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying 'What will we eat?' 'What will we drink?' 'What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

With this verse in mind I want to tell you a story.

Last school year was a little rough for my husband who is a teacher. He received notice that their corporation would be experiencing a pay cut for at least the next two years. This, I know, was devastating to him. He has come from very little and has really worked his way up to where he is at today. While our current situation overall is much better than the example that he and I grew up with, we are far from "rolling in dough." It's more like "makin' it." I was concerned but knew that it would all work out. I had this feeling that we were going to make it somehow.

A couple of weeks ago we were talking about the upcoming school year and the amount we would be be losing per month. If we thought things were tight before.....

Two weeks ago we got a knock at the door. It was a solicitor for our current Internet company. Usually this would be totally annoying and surely they would come at the least opportune moment like while I have my breast hanging out, nursing Leila or when both the girls just laid down for a nap but weren't quite asleep when the door bell rang SEVERAL times. This guy, though, had good news. Due to some new competition in the area he wanted to reduce out monthly payment by $15 and upgrade our Internet to a faster speed for free. We looked for the catch- none! AND a new router showed up at our door a couple of days later- no charge. WOW!

But here is the kicker. We recently had to update our tax information to our student loan place so that they could assess our payment amount. After the assessment they sent us our new bill- cut nearly in half!!! This could not possibly be right. Jamie called to get the the bottom of it and they said that the adjusted amount was in fact correct. I cried. Together with the Internet reduction, it was almost the exact amount we would be losing each month with the pay cut.

Listen- I am not perfect. The only thing I am perfect at is being a mess, or at least that is exactly how I feel. I get angry with my kids sometimes, I yell some times, I can have a potty mouth on occasion, I have prejudices and hurts and wants. I deserve nothing. Really.

What I do have is a heart for God. I want to love people more. I want to help others and love my family. I want to value people and relationships more. I have a desire to be better.

Just like a parent looks beyond a child's bad behavior sometimes to love them and provide for them, so our Father looks past our yuckies to what is deep in our hearts. He is everything we need and when we seek Him, He will provide for us.

God, You are way good! Amen!

Summer, COME BACK!

I recently drafted this letter to Summer. Thought I might share :) LOL......

Dear Summer:

Where the *bleep* do you think you are going? Huh? Don't walk away from me while I am talking to you, mister! How dare you creep up on us at the END of May and then blaze by with no consideration for children that long to be outside and teachers who haven't stopped working before they have to begin again and wives of teachers who have barely gotten used to having their husbands home before having to say goodbye again. If you weren't trying to leave already, Target and Wal-Mart wouldn't be trying to sell everyone crayons for $.25 a box and folders for $.05. Are you going to do that one thing where you still around, like, way into October confusing everyone further because it still feels like summer but your best friends Target and Wal-Mart already have their Christmas stuff out?

Listen, Summer, I'm sorry for getting huffy. Things are just better in summer. More fun is had in summer. More laughter. People are happier with you around. None of us are short on our vitamin D right now and we like it. Look at all the kids who enjoy all you have for them. Trampolines. Pools. Sprinklers. Sleepovers. Sun-kissed skin for mom and farmer's tans for dad. Garden fresh food. Balanced mood. (Like how I rhymed there, Summer? I can't make stuff grow or anything but we are all talented in our own ways.)

Anyway, Summer. Please stay! Don't leave us! Winter around here over stays its welcome every year and I have had it! Do not let Winter win! Please!

Summer for President- 2011!

Sincerely, 

Bummed for Summer to End

Summer time salad

When I was growing up summer meant a lot of things.... iced sun tea, grilled foods and lemon and oil salad. I made this salad just the other day with some garden lettuce. It is way simple and a beautiful memory for me. I know, "lemon and oil? Salad? Seriously?"

Yeah, I'm serious. Here is how it goes:

You need:
The amount of everything depends on the size of the salad
Lettuce of choice (the crisper, the better), chopped
Onions, thinly sliced
Tomato, thinly sliced
Optional ingredients: cucumbers, grated carrot, radish, whatever
Juice of 1 lemon (or more for a bigger salad)
Olive oil (or other oil of choice)
SALT (very key!)

How to:
Place all ingredients except lemon, oil and salt in a bowl. Mix. Squeeze juice from lemon into the salad being careful to catch any seeds. Add what seems to be an equal amount of oil. Toss to cover. Now add the salt to taste, a little at a time. Let sit, covered, in the refrigerator for 1 hour. Toss before serving.

The salt is key. You don't want anyone having a heart attack over the sodium content but you do want enough salt for it to enhance the flavor of the lemon and oil as the dressing for this simple salad. If you taste it and think "yuck," you just need to add more salt.

Growing up, my mom always added a whole pack of chopped, dirt-cheap lunch meat. It was a summer meal for us. I always appreciated it and never realized it for what it really was- my mom just trying to provide for us. I am so happy that once I had the ignorance of a child!

Enjoy! Happy summer!

I heart breastfeeding!

That is what I am talking about, kid!

Leila is 11 1/2 months now and we are still nursing. And I love it. It is in my top 5 when it comes to all things pregnancy/baby related, right up there with feeling the baby kick in the womb. Leila isn't nursing a ton, we are down to 5 times or so during the day for a couple of minutes each time and maybe once at night. My favorite time is right before bed. It seems like life never slows anymore and nursing is the perfect thing for Leila and I to go and do to settle down before bed. We nurse laying down and I rub her little leg or back and kiss her head. My body still calms as I nurse which is awesome for me- the best medicine after a sometimes stressful day. Being able to nurse a child is just beautiful and so special. It's cool to look as my girls before they had had other foods and think, my body made the milk that nourished this body. It is awesome.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I recently read an article in the New York Times that I thought to be very profound and had nothing but good stuff to say about breastfeeding. The article is called The Breast Milk Cure by Nicholas Kristof. In the article Kristof suggests that breast milk, a free substance that already exists and doesn't need refrigeration, could be the answer to worldwide hunger-related deaths in children. The article states that in Niger only 9% of babies get only breastmilk for the first 6 months as suggested by the World Heath Organization. In America it's 13%. Kristof states that misconceptions that some mothers have such as thinking that babies need water outside of their breast milk (and then giving their child water that is potentially unsafe) is part of the reason that babies all over the world are dying unnecessarily. A statistic that absolutely stunned me was that, according to a British medical journal called The Lancet, 1.4 million child deaths could be averted each year if babies were properly breastfed. That is one death every 22 seconds. Wow!

For complete text see http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/opinion/23kristof.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=breastfeeding&st=cse

Baby, you got it right- breastfeeding does ROCK!

Just in time for the 4th

You know, I just don't know what I think about the July 4th.

I know I can't stand fireworks. I like them on July 4th but the month prior and the month after from 7pm to midnight while I am trying to get my little ones settled for bed- no thanks! What really gets me about fireworks is that I hear them all the time during the day. Isn't the point of fireworks to do them at night and enjoy the beautiful colors along with the horrendous bang? Just saying.

Then there are the sales. As if Macy's and Wal-Mart had a hand in writing and signing the Declaration of Independence themselves... Uh "Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, Macy's, Wal-Mart, Target..."

And the lake. Where is my lake? Shouldn't it be law that if you have a lake place you have to invite the people you know who don't have a lake up to your lake for a lake holiday such as the fourth of July? Maybe I am just jealous...

Now let's get a bit more serious- the amount of bleeding patriots that come out of the woodwork to celebrate. "God Bless America" "I Love America" "America the Brave" I am thankful that many years ago our founders set the foundation for the country that is my home, I just don't feel like I need to exert my patriotism for a day. I don't know why God chose me to be born here in America and some other person to be born into total poverty in a third world country. It surely wasn't anything I did to earn it. If anything I feel like I should be on my knees thanking God for His mercy on me and asking Him how I can help people, whoever they be, who don't have what I have. America has a lot of problems and just because it's the fourth of July I'm not going to forget about them. God Bless America? How about God Blessed America. Let Freedom Ring? How about finding freedom from addiction, depression, obesity and greed.

What will I really do on the fourth? Probably eat some food and hang out with my family then go watch some fireworks. And think about how last year I spent the fourth with my mom too.

Intro photo/drawing borrowed from: http://www.inkymess.com/inky.php?id=100