Mothering the Mother

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4: 6-7

In August of this year I took training to become a birth doula. I think I blogged a bit about this after it happened. The "thing" about having a doula at birth is mothering the mother. Not mother in the literal sense because that can turn people off as some people do not have good relationships with their own mothers. It's more about caring for the mother as needed when she is working hard trying to birth a baby. They don't call it "labor" for nothing.

Consequently, my training has been more aid to me in the recent time of trials I have encountered. How interesting it is that it would work out that way. I think it started a bit over the summer with a little anxiety here and there. As we change seasons my anxiety has snowballed into a huge monster of  fear, panic, depression, stress, worry and sometimes physical illness. Often times I feel terribly nauseated. I can type right now knowing that what I am feeling is irrational and ridiculous but none the less my feelings remain. As I fight to stay healthy both mentally and physically I still have to do the daily stuff and take care of my children who depend on me for.... everything.

My children need me but.... it's kind of like when people say "if you are on an airplane and the air masks drop down, put yours on first, then put your child's on." I know that I need to do what I need to do to be healthy for me and everyone. When I feel anxiety, I deep breathe slow and steady as I would have a mother to do in labor. I search for tensed areas (usually my stomach) and consciously relax them. I use heat and cool as necessary. I suck on mints to relieve nausea. I drink hot tea. It is amazing the overlap in comfort measures in what I am experiencing and what I would do for a mother as she labors!

For months it was hard to talk to people about what I have going on because I didn't want people to think I was crazy or to monopolize the conversation with my problems. Now I know that talking about it only helps and grounds me to sanity. It's so hard to explain how I feel in those moments of panic- it's like mental torture. I would hope it's hard for most people to understand.

After experiencing a traumatic move across country at the age of 13 I experienced basically the same type of ailment. Luckily I had my sister on my side. I know she prayed for me in that time and was sensitive to my problem. Ultimately I was healed. I look forward to healing once again.

I look to God for my comfort. I try to explain it to other people and even my husband but many times I get blank stares. God knows all and is in all. His grace is enough and I know I am going to pull out of this and be totally free of it once more.

Rough waters behind?

When I originally started this blog back in February, I talked a lot about my grief from my mother's passing last December. I don't know if I was prepared to enter into that time this year, that she was sick last year. It's been a very rough season in that respect and I had to take a break. Hopefully I am ready to continue on now and let go of some of this so I can feel normal again- whatever that is. I have always hoped that the things I write will help someone or make someone say "yes! I am not alone, at least one other person in the world feels the same way I do."

So, with this, I resurrect my blog from 2 months of inactivity. Distracting my mind from other junk. Sharing my secrets (ha) of motherhood and wifedom (yes, I said wifedom), coming clean about my imperfections and very importantly, chatting about my faith. I really don't know where I would be without it.

The thanks I get

Motherhood is thankless a lot of times, or at least it seems that way.

Today I was on the couch holding Leila and Sofia, age 2, comes up to me and says, "mommy, I cut you neck off" and then she smiles real big and makes a cut motion at my neck. What? I almost had to laugh. This was at about 8 pm and I was just thinking, I have bent over backwards all day for you and this is how you repay me? by telling me you are going to cut my neck off? It was indeed laughable. I guess I should thank her 10 year old brother for vocabulary like that.

Before I laid Leila down for the night, I nursed her a bit. She suckled a little bit and then pulled off and then flailed her arms and smacked me in the face and pulled my glasses off. Now, I know she didn't mean to. But I almost laughed at that too. If you are a nursing mom or have ever nursed a child, you know it is a labor of love sometimes. If Leila is not smacking me in the face, she is pinching my side or scratching me with her baby razor nails.

Somehow I go on loving my children still and coming back for more when the sun rises again. I guess it is good I can laugh at these things.

Feeling like Mother of the Year

What a day!

I am wiped out and my day isn't over. As I write this, my darling Leila is jumping around on my lap. Just wondering when I might catch a break...

Today was not only Monday but also a day where I watched another little girl aside from my own two ladies. Leila started yesterday with some really runny eyes. Runny eyes? Google didn't have much to say about that, maybe allergies. This morning it continued and because the other girls (my daughter Sofia is 2 1/2 and Julia is 3) don't quite understand how to "keep it down" or "use inside voices" Leila couldn't really settle to sleep. Ug. Sofia plays pretty well most days but today it was all "mine" and "no" and even hitting. Yuck- hitting. I put her in time-out for 2 minutes 3 different times today. A lot of good that did. Eventually Leila fell asleep and slept for 2 hours, which was awesome, but the other girls didn't want anything to do with nap time.

THANKS A LOT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!!!!!

By the time my dearest husband came home I was ready to start smoking or go for a drink. He even had to put Sofia in time-out once for doing something she was told not to do several times. When I went to retrieve her from her 2 minutes of torture I said, "Sofia, do you know why mommy and daddy put you in time-out?" She said she did. While I was reiterating that it was because she was not listening to us, she picked up her fairy wand, tapped it on my head and said "mommy, you're a turd." I almost wanted to laugh. It has been one of those kind of days.

I love my girls so much. I feel bad for even complaining about motherhood because I know people that would give anything to have children of their own. The truth is, this has been the hardest 8 months of my life- with Leila as needy as she is and mom dying. It's about all I can take. I'd love to be Mother of the Year but most days I couldn't be farther from it.