It's Monday, and the start of a new week. I am taking advantage of some "me" time although I am guilt-ridden that I should be sleeping. I am watching Julie & Julia with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep and it is pretty good. Feel-good.
I am feeling like kind of a loser right now for some reason. I just have an all-over yuck feeling about a lot of stuff. This weekend we went out and got some new shelving units. This helped the house to look better but it still looks like a semi-disaster area. I am ready to throw my whole house in a metal trash can in the middle of my living room and set it on fire. I am so over stuff I can't tell you. I have so much stuff that I don't need and stuff that I don't know why I keep around and stuff that I know why I keep it around but I still shouldn't be keeping it. I have my own house to deal with and mom's place. Of course there are things from my mom's that I want to keep just because they remind me of her. While that is not a good reason, it is.
I feel aimless about what is next for me. There are things I want to write, sew, create, do with my children, my husband, my friends, movies I want to see, places I want to go. But somehow, each day comes and goes in the same way. I want to do something impactful and inspirational and meaningful. I want to do something that makes my soul sing. I know that this is just a down-time and that soon, I will be on the up-swing again. I am longing for those days to arrive.
It is always hard to say was triggers these moods. I kind of feel like I want to crawl up with a blankie next to my husband and stay there for a while. It might have been church yesterday.
As I nursed my daughter in the prayer chapel at church on Sunday, I read the "praise quilt" where people post things they are thankful for on little scraps of fabric. I saw one that looked familiar. I got up, unrolled the fabric and read "Thank God for my cancer, I realize how great our God is. Judy P." If you don't know, Judy is my mother who passed away from ovarian cancer in December. I didn't even make it through the message before I started to cry my eyes out. I guess I just feel sad, very sad. I miss her so much. I am hurt for so many reasons I don't know where to start. Mom was too young to die. I am too young to be without any parents. My children are going to miss out on grandma Judy. I hate that she suffered. I hate that I couldn't stop it or take it away. This process that damaged me so deeply I feel irreparable. Will it ever end? Or do I fear more the day that I think of mom and my eyes don't well up? Some days it is more than I can take.
What got me the most about mom's note on the praise quilt was that she was doing exactly what she was supposed to do. She was thanking God for something that brought her closer to Him. It is beautiful and tragic that she is still teaching me even in her death.
Despite all of this, I am hopeful. If only just a little. Now I am going to dry my eyes, blow my nose and sleep until the baby hears me get into bed and get comfortable.
No comments:
Post a Comment