Sweet dreams

For as long as I can remember I have had vivid dreams. I remember dreams I had from way back when I was a child. I wanted to share the dream I had from the other night.

I had a rough night of sleep as both the girls were up at least once a piece. Before waking I had this dream:

It was very bright. Like it was sunny. I guess it was sunny, and my mom was there dressed in some of her favorite summer clothes: a pair of sweat shorts and a pink tank top. So typical. Mom was still older but she was perfect- there was no sense that anything was wrong. In every other dream that I have had about her since she passed I have always known at some point in the dream that she wasn't supposed to be there because she was gone. I remember that my daughter Leila was crawling around my house and climbing up on the couch and jumping off into my mom's arms. She was doing that over and over and they were having a great time. Sofia was there too and they were all playing together. At the end of the dream my mom was taking the girls down the street for a walk in the wagon.

I woke up in tears. What a beautiful gift I was given through this dream. In the dream, like I was saying, I never felt this underlying dread, of loss. I felt whole again. Overjoyed. Content. Like everything was right.

God knows my heart and He knows that the sadness I still have is more for my children than for myself. The desire of my heart is that I would see my mom and my girls to play together. I have now. Until we all meet again, I will take it. I feel so blessed.

I still miss her so much. 

Tiny prayers

What I would give to be a child again. I was just saying to my husband when my 10 month old daughter woke up 5 minutes after I laid her down last night- "If I were her and I had nothing to worry about I would be sleeping. I want to sleep!" As a child hopefully all you have to worry about is playing, snacking, going outside and watching your favorite movie. Life is, more or less, pretty easy.

As you probably well know, adult life is way different. I am increasingly disappointed at the amount of stuff I forget and misplace just because my brain is so full of other stuff I just can't manage one more thing. My stepson (10) gets angry and says "you guys make me do everything myself" when he goes to take a shower and then calls from inside the shower, in the bathroom, that he needs his towel- and we won't get it. We aren't living in a Life Styles of the Rich and Famous house. Our bathroom is 20 square feet (an estimate). He doesn't understand that asking him to get his own towel is not some sort of parental torture, it's just taking one thing off our plates to do or remember to do. Not to mention, it teaches him responsibility. He has no idea what we do in a day's time. Here is an example of what my morning looks like:

Sofia gets up and gets me up. Shhhhh don't wake up the baby. Get out of bed. Get Luke up. Open blinds. Start breakfast. Clean counter off. Start dishwater. Read stories while breakfast is going. Oh, wait, Sofia wants to help with breakfast. Get a chair. Measure and explain every action. Get down. Put chair back. Is that the baby crying? Luke, go get dressed. Sofia, you have to go potty? You already did? Did you wipe?

This probably sounds vaguely familiar. It's a wonder that I've only left my house once without shoes on.

Adult life is great and all, but some days it would be nice to be a child again. By having children of my own, I kind of get to regress a bit when I play pretend with my girls or read princess stories. You'd think I would be the "teacher" in my relationship with my kids but so many times they are teaching me. Many of the lessons I learn speak to my faith.

When I was a little child, I didn't know about praying. We prayed at dinner time and before bed but that was it. I didn't know that there was a God you knew me personally and that I could talk to him directly through prayer, as if talking to a friend. I decided that as a parent, I wanted to teach my children about prayer early on. Sofia is becoming a top-notch pray-er. The other day she fell and skinned up her knees on the sidewalk. We prayed together before nap time that Jesus would help her knees to heal. So, when I got my wisdom teeth out a couple of days ago, she prayed for God to heal me:

Dear God
-pause-
please heal my mommy's mouth
-pause-
and her chin
-pause-
and her tongue
-pause-
and her mouth.
-pause-
Help her to feel better
-pause-
and be with Grandma Judy, because she died
-pause-
and the Little Mermaid. Amen.

I thought it was totally sweet. Everyone can learn from the innocence of a tiny prayer like this one. We don't need to use a bunch of fancy words or say "God" or "Jesus" a lot. We just need to say what is on our hearts. Even if it is the Little Mermaid. :)

***

But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

Matthew 19:14

It takes a village

I found this picture and thought to myself- how perfect. It is an amazingly beautiful picture of probably a grandmother with her grandchild or great-grandchild. Look at the difference in skin. Have you ever thought about how similar people are in their first years of life and last years of life? I think that is interesting.

It Takes a Village

In my life I have heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" many, many times. It was not until I was older and now have a family of my own that I really understand what that means and how true it is.

When I was about 7 months pregnant I felt called to be an advocate at a local organization that provides assistance, support and education to woman who are pregnant and their families. I wasn't really sure about it but I went through with the training. I know for sure now that it was a total God-thing. My volunteering there has grown in my heart a serious love for mothers and children- one I never knew I had before. I have heard the advocate coordinator say before that she believes that God sends specific people through the doors of the organization to talk to specific people there. I believe it. I have met some very beautiful, very broken women. Some with great support systems and some with none. Some who are married and some who have several children by several different people. Whatever it is, the joy that fills my heart to be able to share a glimpse of hope with them is immeasurable. My experiences have really got me thinking, where is this so called village?

In the age of facebook, twitter, myspace, cell phones, status updates, email, etc., we are a nation of comfortable communication. 93% of what we say is non-verbal communication such as body movement, facial expression and eye movement. If we are doing most of our communication through means other than face to face, we are losing a lot of communication. The above mentioned kind of communication is easy. We can fake happiness, excitement, sadness or sympathy over the phone or in an email. I am sure that most of us have at one point or another. The greatest problem is that it is damaging our relationships by keeping everyone a computer screen away.

Here is how this relates to the village. Before the age of computers, women in families actually had to visit each other to find out what was new. They had a meal together and spent time together. Maybe they saw firsthand that a new mom in their family was struggling and found it hard not to offer help. They bonded, experienced community and their children always had someone besides just mom looking after them. Flash forward. A woman and her husband who recently moved to a new town are expanding their family and they have a child. Maybe the woman's mother comes and stays with them for a week at first but then returns home. No need to make the trip for the new mom and dad's siblings (the child's aunts and uncles) because they are keeping up on recent activities and pictures via facebook. The neighbors around them work or have their own children to worry about. See what I am getting at? I don't want to discount the use of the computer and social networking to find other like-minded women. I am a part of some very special groups on facebook that I value dearly.

Another aspect of this is so much bigger. It's getting to be my least favorite time again- election time. Where we watch the people who want to run our country spend unGodly amounts of money on stuff that matters nothing when they could be feeding the poor or housing the homeless or something. It's disgusting. Anyway. I always get honked off that all of the sudden abortion is an issue again. Convenient, eh? Just so that there is no confusion, I am pro-life and I don't identify with any given political party. I hold the idea that if you are truly pro-life then you should also be against the death penalty and for gun control. Most people don't hold these views, I understand. However, back to the point, I find it interesting that people are so concerned about the preborn but once they are born, "you are on your own" and "no way universal health care" and "let's cut funding for welfare." Where is our village? I want to know!

We, in our communities and nationally, need to come together for the good of each other. We need to give people a hand-up and occasionally the hand-out. Especially mothers. Mother's are raising our future workers, teachers, leaders. If we don't start caring for the village, this village will be in ruins. And p.s. you live in it.

If this fires you up, get moving. Look around at how you can support one another. Can you be a support to your own mother or a friend who is a mother? Can you watch your friend's kids so she can have 5 minutes to herself to regroup? Can you encourage someone through a situation they are experiencing that you have already experienced?

Keep your eyes open at the opportunities to start building the village in your community.

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
-Mother Theresa

A little less wise today

A couple of weeks ago, my impacted wisdom tooth on the lower left side of my mouth flared up. I have had this happen before but it was never this painful. It hurt terribly and the flare up lasted for 5 days- yuck.

I eventually called my dentist and talked to them about the next steps. I am always hesitant to get anything done to my mouth due to a bad experience I had when I was very young. I had this dentist who was enormous (especially due to the fact that I was like, 4 years old!) and had hands that looked like he just got done working on his car before he came into his real job. Yuck. And he didn't wear gloves. It took me like 10 years to get back to the dentist after that.

My dentist, which I love now, referred me to a local oral surgeon. I proceeded to make some calls to the oral surgeon and the insurance company. It was a combination of terrible customer service, waiting time, a whole lot of muzak, and confusion over all that left me in tears. After several more terrible interactions with the oral surgeon, I just wasn't feeling it anymore and asked for a new referral.

I found a new place and today, I had my extraction.

I had my teeth out at 9am and just looked at my watch at 12:49pm and wondered where the last almost 4 hours of my life went. How did I get home? When did I go out? When did my husband do lunch with the girls?

I kind of look like a chipmunk but at least chipmunks are cute :) My beautiful husband just made a special trip to the local Smoothie King to get my Lemon Twist with Strawberry smoothie. It hit the spot for sure. On to recovery....

Memories of momma

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I feel like it was like impending doom all week, knowing that it would come soon enough and I would be reminded of my mom's absence. You won't believe this but I still can't believe she is gone. My heart hurts.

I have gotten to a point now, very recently where I know it's alright to be joyful in my day to day life although I am a mess most of the time. I can have a joyful heart and still a heart that hurts. It does me no good to slump around and give a variety of sad answers to "how are you doing?"

I thought that in honor of Mother's Day I could share with you some memories of my mother...


I remember when I was 3 or 4 and we lived in an apartment. Mom was going to school at the time. I went up to her and ran my little hand into the end of her cigarette. I still have the scar.

I remember being in middle school and coming home one day with my best friend Kirstin and mom was home. She worked a lot and odd hours and sometimes she wasn't home when I would get there. That day she was there.... and she had dinner going... and she bought for me the new backstreet boys cd. It was so special. I remember jammin' to my new cd and dancing around and thinking how out of the ordinary it was and how special that moment was.

I remember moving to Vegas with her. I remember visiting the fashion mall while we were there. I remember our ride home and when she and her cousin Phil got into it because I had to use the bathroom so much and he was tired of stopping. I remember how she picked us up out of the dirt after Vegas and made a new life for us.

I remember when she became my best friend- when I left for college. I missed her so much. I literally talked to her twice a day. She worried about me and I worried about her. I remember the time she came to stay with me in my dorm room and we went to the on campus movie theater and watched Shrek 2 and cracked up. Puss n Boots got us good.

I remember how proud she was of me when I graduated. I was the first in our family.

I remember her on my wedding day. She couldn't have been happier to walk me down the aisle and give me away to Jamie. She loved him so much.

I remember when we used to go to flashbacks (local old-school music playing bar/dance club) for her and my birthdays. She used to work it. She was such a fun dancer and all the younger men would try and dance with her.

I remember how brave she was when she had treatment and when she lost her hair. She wore those head scarfs and we had some good laughs trying on the wigs...

I remember when we took care of her on hospice. I remember Lisa's house and the pumpkins. Then the thanksgiving decor. Then the Christmas tree. I remember how she used to tell Leila that she just wanted to squeeze her when she wasn't even strong enough to hold her. And how, close to the end, she called Sofia over to watch the Mickey Mouse Club on her TV- so they could watch together.

I remember how it looked the morning she passed as I drove to Lisa's, not knowing what I would find. It was beautiful. The snow on the grown sparkled as I drove past. When the sun came up that morning it shown so beautifully into the room where she lay.



Thank you, mom, for having me and training me to be the mother I am for my children. You are not forgotten! Happy Mother's Day.

Sprouting seeds

I am involved in a holistic living group here in town. At our last meeting a lovely woman talked to us about sprouting seeds- who knew? I was very intrigued by this and have finally got on the train to sprout my own.

I am sure you have heard of sprouts- the most "famous" being alfalfa sprouts. If you have never eaten sprouts, now may be a good time to enter them into your diet. Here is why:

• They are an amazing source of nutrients given that they contain everything needed to sustain life
• They have an alkalising effect on the body, working against free radicals (cancer causing agents)
• Aid in controlling hot flashes, PMS, menopause and fibrocystic breast tumors
• Contains highly active antioxidants
• Prevent DNA destruction
• Protects from the effects of aging
• Prevents bone breakdown and osteoporosis
• Contains oxygen for healthy cell life
• Provide living enzymes
• Good source of essential fatty acids
• Being a chlorophyll-rich food they act as a blood cleanser

It's not all about alfalfa sprouts. Other common sprouts are broccoli, radish, various bean sprouts, clover and more. For more information about the different types of sprouts and their benefits, see the following websites:

http://www.herbsarespecial.com.au/free-sprout-information/so-good-sprouts.html
http://www.living-foods.com/articles/sproutbenefits.html
http://www.isga-sprouts.org/

Growing your own sprouts!

Growing your own sprouts is super easy! You don't need anything special- just a jar, a breathable cloth, seeds and water. Here is how you do it:

1. Put 2-3 tablespoons of your favorite sprouting mix/seeds in a jar and cover with cheesecloth or other breathable fabric.

2. Rinse with water and drain. Then fill jar up with water a little above the seeds and soak over night. Dry seeds are dormant. By soaking the seeds, you wake them up.

3. Drain and prop at an angle so leftover water can drain throughout the day.

Prop at an angle to drain

4. Continue to rinse seeds twice/day by swirling seeds with a little filtered water and draining and propping up.

5. Sprout for 4-6 days or until the root is 1-2 inches tall.

6. Rinse and place in fridge to be eaten. Consume within a couple days. Yum!

I grew something- yay sprouts!



You can also purchase a sprouter which helps if this is something you plan to have going all the time. Please check out the website http://sproutpeople.org/ for more information.

Here is to better health!

My green thumb

I don't really have green thumb but I am working on it. Sofia, Luke and I planted these about a month ago. The top row is basil and the bottom row is parsley. I love to watch them curve towards the window in order to catch some better sun. We relate in that way- we LOVE sun!

I am so looking forward to farmer's markets and garden goodies this summer.

Dear Summer:

I know that you are on your way although Mr. Springtime really hasn't brought the sunshine and warm weather like I originally thought he would. I am holding out that in no time we will go from 54 degrees and frigid breezy to 90 degrees, humid as crap and sweltering like only Indiana can really do. I long for you, weather of golden skins, vitamin D to go around and bare feet (and sometimes butts) in the backyard. Come soon! Amen!