Memories of momma

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I feel like it was like impending doom all week, knowing that it would come soon enough and I would be reminded of my mom's absence. You won't believe this but I still can't believe she is gone. My heart hurts.

I have gotten to a point now, very recently where I know it's alright to be joyful in my day to day life although I am a mess most of the time. I can have a joyful heart and still a heart that hurts. It does me no good to slump around and give a variety of sad answers to "how are you doing?"

I thought that in honor of Mother's Day I could share with you some memories of my mother...


I remember when I was 3 or 4 and we lived in an apartment. Mom was going to school at the time. I went up to her and ran my little hand into the end of her cigarette. I still have the scar.

I remember being in middle school and coming home one day with my best friend Kirstin and mom was home. She worked a lot and odd hours and sometimes she wasn't home when I would get there. That day she was there.... and she had dinner going... and she bought for me the new backstreet boys cd. It was so special. I remember jammin' to my new cd and dancing around and thinking how out of the ordinary it was and how special that moment was.

I remember moving to Vegas with her. I remember visiting the fashion mall while we were there. I remember our ride home and when she and her cousin Phil got into it because I had to use the bathroom so much and he was tired of stopping. I remember how she picked us up out of the dirt after Vegas and made a new life for us.

I remember when she became my best friend- when I left for college. I missed her so much. I literally talked to her twice a day. She worried about me and I worried about her. I remember the time she came to stay with me in my dorm room and we went to the on campus movie theater and watched Shrek 2 and cracked up. Puss n Boots got us good.

I remember how proud she was of me when I graduated. I was the first in our family.

I remember her on my wedding day. She couldn't have been happier to walk me down the aisle and give me away to Jamie. She loved him so much.

I remember when we used to go to flashbacks (local old-school music playing bar/dance club) for her and my birthdays. She used to work it. She was such a fun dancer and all the younger men would try and dance with her.

I remember how brave she was when she had treatment and when she lost her hair. She wore those head scarfs and we had some good laughs trying on the wigs...

I remember when we took care of her on hospice. I remember Lisa's house and the pumpkins. Then the thanksgiving decor. Then the Christmas tree. I remember how she used to tell Leila that she just wanted to squeeze her when she wasn't even strong enough to hold her. And how, close to the end, she called Sofia over to watch the Mickey Mouse Club on her TV- so they could watch together.

I remember how it looked the morning she passed as I drove to Lisa's, not knowing what I would find. It was beautiful. The snow on the grown sparkled as I drove past. When the sun came up that morning it shown so beautifully into the room where she lay.



Thank you, mom, for having me and training me to be the mother I am for my children. You are not forgotten! Happy Mother's Day.

Sisters

The other day I caught my daughters like this and thought it was so sweet. This is what a I wanted- to have daughters so that they could be sisters like I have sisters. I hope they remain buddies foreverly.

When my husband and I started thinking about children, I had sort of an anxiety. I was ready to have children but I was not ready (or so I thought) to have a little boy, and as you know, you can't really choose ahead of time. Little girls, no problem- I was a little girl once, I grew up with sisters, I had a mom, etc. I didn't know a thing about boys.... only that I had a stepson with whom I had a roller coaster of a relationship. I never had a dad around, he was killed when I was 5 months old. My mom was married once but before I was born and she didn't date a whole lot when I was around.

We found out what we were having with both pregnancies. I was excited with both, although surprised with Leila because I was certain she was a he. As it turns out my darling girls both look just like each other and just like their dada, which isn't too bad since he is a good lookin' guy :)

I love to watch their budding relationship day to day. Sofia and Leila greet each other after a night's sleep as if it has been ten years since they have seen each other. I have had to get on Sofia more about smothering Leila with hugs and kisses than for kicking her in the heard, or putting a bucket on her head and then beating on it, like the other night. I can tell already that they love each other and I am so excited for their relationship as they grow. I know there will be some pretty intense drama times but when the dust settles, they will have each other and I am thankful for that.

Me with my sisters Sondra, Aisha and Lisa on Easter

Like I was saying before, I have three sisters of my own. We have a very interesting family dynamic. My two older sisters, Sondra (44) and Lisa (41), are "true" sisters of the same mother and father. My sister Aisha (31) right above me is from a different father, as am I. From an objective standpoint, I am sure it looks funny but it's not too much different than many families today, good or bad. It has always been my sisters and my mom for me. The dads were never around and after my dad died, I think it was hard for my mom to get back into it.

We have always been very close and I have learned to love my sisters for the unique people they are.

Sondra and I's relationship has been a long time coming. She is 18 years older than I am so I actually ended up being closer to my niece (who is 3 years younger than me) for most of my life. When I think of her, I think about how her personality shines. She is easy to talk to, outgoing and hilarious. I used to love when she and my mom would get together because they fed off each other amazingly and someone would always end up peeing their pants. I have always felt like maybe my opinion didn't matter too much because I am a lot younger. Now that I am an adult and I have a family of my own, we can relate better and I look forward to what our relationship has in store.

My sister Lisa and I have always been very close. I cried at her wedding because I thought I would never see her again. I had morning sickness with her when she was sick with her first son, Jesse. She sowed so many seeds of faith within me that I hold her responsible for where I am today in that way. We walked together, caring for mom in her illness. We just found out last week that she has breast cancer. So we begin a new walk together. Her light shines and I am so glad it has shown on me.

I could write a memoir of my relationship with Aisha and people would laugh, cry, and be in awe. Growing up, she was the person I looked up to... and the person from who I learned what not to do. I loved riding around in the car with her and her friends and bumping some loud music (play Fugees here). I could bore you with stories of her tying me to chairs and locking me in the basement, but I will spare you. Now that we are older, she is one of my best friends. She truly appreciates my nerdiness and I, hers. She cracks me up and it feels good to laugh. I am so excited to see her emerge from a previous life to a new beginning.  

I don't pretend to know God's plan for me- I am definitely not big enough. However, I am so glad that God has surrounded me by a beautiful pack of women and given me daughters to train into beautiful women as well.