A God-cation?

I had every intention of writing about this a couple of weeks ago after I actually experienced it. I guess it took me some time to process it.

If you have read some of my other posts, you probably get what has been going on in my life over the past 6 months. Hands down, it has been the most challenging I have ever experienced to this point. It's all relative, I guess. I have felt deep, deep sadness and grief over the loss of my mom. I have felt depression, despair, heartbreak, overwhelmed, anxiety, confusion and so much more. I have felt happiness and joy but only in little spurts that don't stay very long. Everyday has been a clear opportunity to draw near to God and stay put in His presence. It truly has been my refuge during this time.

Two weeks ago I had a beautiful opportunity to take a vacation without leaving the farm, if you know what I mean. It is very hard to explain and some reading this will think I am a little coo-coo. But I am not. I believe that God gave me a vacation from life for a whole week without ever leaving my home or town. Let me explain.

I woke up on Monday and just felt really good and calm. For the whole week I felt this way- a very odd feeling for me. On Monday night I had the dream that I shared in a different post about my mom playing with my girls. On Tuesday morning I woke up with a heart full and overflowing with thankfulness and joy for God and the gift that He gave me through that dream. All week long I was super-patient with my girls (sorry, I would love to say that I am a beacon of light for my children at all times but....) and when Jamie and I weren't exactly on the same page with things, it just rolled right off and didn't phase me. I just had a very extraordinarily positive view about....well, everything. I spent time with friends just living in the moment. I took a meal to a friend who just had a baby. It was awesome. When things kind of went back to normal the following week, what had happened the week before became very obvious and stunning. It was a God-thing.

I deserve nothing. I haven't been mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend or anything else, of-the-year. This has been a very needy and humbling season in my life. For God to display His mercy on me in a way that freed me from my everyday burdens without actually taking me out of my everyday- wow! Really, amazing. I could cry just talking about it. I am nothing but God, my creator, believes I am something. He took time out of His busy schedule to carry me for a week.

My heart pours out right now as I share about this week that I had. The God that we have is one of love and personal relationships. He cares about our little stuff. And our big stuff. He knows this life is tough and that is why He offers peace that we can't possibly understand.

Amen!

God's grace

What do you see? This "angel" was leftover from lunch one day....

God is so good. All the time.

It's easy to get down and think of all the muck in the world and wonder where God is. It's really a glass half empty/ half full thing. You can wonder where God is or you can try and find a place He isn't. Some days it's easy for me to look past the flowers and the trees and the sun in my face and just focus all my energy internally on what is happening to me personally. Last week I really tried to be present with God and not worry about tomorrow.

I realized that for so long now I have been trying to look to a time with less sadness, more sunshine, less financial struggles, more personal freedom, etc. I have been so focused on tomorrow that I am missing today. I am missing my kids lives and my life with my husband. I am missing opportunities to be a good friend to someone and nurture relationships I have. I don't want to miss out on one more thing.

I shared a couple posts ago about the dream I had about my mom playing with my girls. It was more than a good dream for me. It was an example of God's love and grace for me. He sees me struggle, he sees me try and hang on day after day if only by a thread. He knows the desires of my heart- He knows how much my heart hurts for the loss my family has experienced. He knows I am trying to be present with Him although it's hard not to look to tomorrow. God found a way to unite me and my mom and my girls and it is just beautiful.

Some may say, "well if that is something that you wanted and have your mind on, your mom being able to play with your girls, than of course you might dream about it." I agree with that to a certain extent but I choose to recognize it as a God-thing. His timing is perfect. I am so thankful that I deserve less than nothing and yet I have everything I need.

This is one of my very favorite passages from Matthew 6:25-34, about provision:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God wants for His people to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. He will take care of all of our needs- physical, emotional and spiritual.

Thank you God for sharing with me a glimpse of my mother, whom I miss so much! Thank you for letting me and my girls be near to her again!

Amen!

Saved, again!

I am so thankful for today. I am thankful for these 5 minutes when I can sit and write while the girls are napping. I am thankful for my husband who is working right now to support us. I am thankful that it is spring time. But the thing that really sticks in my head (right now) is that I am thankful that I don't feel like I might puke any second- like I did last night.

I hate to throw-up. Some people are throw-up champs, they can puke and then go right back to it. Not me. It is a feeling that I would rather not ever have again. When I start having that hot/cold yucky stomach feeling I feel like I might have a panic attack on top of it. I think I would rather experience a 17 hour natural labor again than have the pukies. Seriously.

I had a normal day yesterday and felt fine. I went to a volunteer appreciation dinner last night and the food was great- nothing questionable. I got home and was getting the kids around like usual when I got a hot flash and totally felt like I needed to b-line it to the bathroom. I took a shower to see if I could stabilize. It worked for about 10 minutes and then I was back to it. I just felt too hot or too cold and I was shaking. So weird.

Here's where the saving comes in. I immediately started praying. It started out something like "the Lord is my Shepherd... I shall not fear.:" I know that is not exactly the 23rd Psalm but I was doing what I could. I just prayed some more "God, I know that what I have going on is nothing compared to what other people might have going on but I believe you are a healer. I believe you can heal me. I believe you for it." Sometimes it is hard for me to pray for myself. I have learned though, over the years, that all of God's children are special to Him and He cares about our little junk AND He is big enough to handle my little junk and other people's big junk.

I continued feeling yucky and two of the three kids made it to bed before I told my husband it was time to get the puke bowl down. Leila had a hard time settling and after sleeping, waking, crying, sleeping, crying again I went and laid down with Leila to get her to sleep. I felt peaceful, like my system had oddly stabilized. I fell asleep and I feel fine today, knock on wood.

I have never been in the midst of chills where it did not end with me hacking (sorry for the graphic language). But now it has happened! I think it was a healing miracle. It just doesn't make sense. I thank God for hearing my prayers and coming to my aid.

To the God of small favors

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

God is so good.

I am a part of a wonderful bible study  and we are currently working through the Mind of Christ by T.W. Hunt. We are only in the beginning stages of this study which will last a couple of months but it is already transforming me by getting me to examine myself better. The idea is to order your mind so that it jives with what Christ would have it to be and to recognize those things that are red flags as they pop up. It's a lifelong process.

I have been so caught up in life lately that although it seems like I am close to God in my periphery, when I really think about it, I haven't been taking the time that I should to just be with God. So last night before bed I just cried out to Him. Sometimes I get in to a past way of thinking that says that God doesn't care about my little stuff. That is wrong. God does care. So, I cried out to him about my daughter Leila and her sleep. I am overwhelmed because, while she is a better sleeper than Sofia ever was, her sleep pattern doesn't allow me to get much done during the day or at night. I told God all about it and asked for time and better sleep for us both.

I woke up this morning after some serious sleeping. Leila and I worked together really well last night in terms of feedings and that made a huge difference. Have you ever slept so hard that when you wake up your body feels heavy and one of your limbs is asleep? That was me this morning. Leila slept in even after I got up and that gave me some good one-on-one time with Sofia and we got to eat breakfast together. During the day, Leila slept for about an hour while we were at the store. Then, during Sofia's nap, Leila and I laid down together. I napped for an hour (which was AWESOME!) and Leila napped for 3 hours! AMAZING! I don't think she has ever napped that long before.

I recognize this as an answer to prayer from my God that does care about my small stuff. I want to encourage you to cry out about your small stuff to God. Do not get stuck doing stuff on your own. Draw close to God, especially at your weak points and God will grab hold with open arms. May you be blessed!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Hebrews 4:16

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest upon me."

2 Corinthians 12:9