Memories of momma

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I feel like it was like impending doom all week, knowing that it would come soon enough and I would be reminded of my mom's absence. You won't believe this but I still can't believe she is gone. My heart hurts.

I have gotten to a point now, very recently where I know it's alright to be joyful in my day to day life although I am a mess most of the time. I can have a joyful heart and still a heart that hurts. It does me no good to slump around and give a variety of sad answers to "how are you doing?"

I thought that in honor of Mother's Day I could share with you some memories of my mother...


I remember when I was 3 or 4 and we lived in an apartment. Mom was going to school at the time. I went up to her and ran my little hand into the end of her cigarette. I still have the scar.

I remember being in middle school and coming home one day with my best friend Kirstin and mom was home. She worked a lot and odd hours and sometimes she wasn't home when I would get there. That day she was there.... and she had dinner going... and she bought for me the new backstreet boys cd. It was so special. I remember jammin' to my new cd and dancing around and thinking how out of the ordinary it was and how special that moment was.

I remember moving to Vegas with her. I remember visiting the fashion mall while we were there. I remember our ride home and when she and her cousin Phil got into it because I had to use the bathroom so much and he was tired of stopping. I remember how she picked us up out of the dirt after Vegas and made a new life for us.

I remember when she became my best friend- when I left for college. I missed her so much. I literally talked to her twice a day. She worried about me and I worried about her. I remember the time she came to stay with me in my dorm room and we went to the on campus movie theater and watched Shrek 2 and cracked up. Puss n Boots got us good.

I remember how proud she was of me when I graduated. I was the first in our family.

I remember her on my wedding day. She couldn't have been happier to walk me down the aisle and give me away to Jamie. She loved him so much.

I remember when we used to go to flashbacks (local old-school music playing bar/dance club) for her and my birthdays. She used to work it. She was such a fun dancer and all the younger men would try and dance with her.

I remember how brave she was when she had treatment and when she lost her hair. She wore those head scarfs and we had some good laughs trying on the wigs...

I remember when we took care of her on hospice. I remember Lisa's house and the pumpkins. Then the thanksgiving decor. Then the Christmas tree. I remember how she used to tell Leila that she just wanted to squeeze her when she wasn't even strong enough to hold her. And how, close to the end, she called Sofia over to watch the Mickey Mouse Club on her TV- so they could watch together.

I remember how it looked the morning she passed as I drove to Lisa's, not knowing what I would find. It was beautiful. The snow on the grown sparkled as I drove past. When the sun came up that morning it shown so beautifully into the room where she lay.



Thank you, mom, for having me and training me to be the mother I am for my children. You are not forgotten! Happy Mother's Day.