Mothering the Mother

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4: 6-7

In August of this year I took training to become a birth doula. I think I blogged a bit about this after it happened. The "thing" about having a doula at birth is mothering the mother. Not mother in the literal sense because that can turn people off as some people do not have good relationships with their own mothers. It's more about caring for the mother as needed when she is working hard trying to birth a baby. They don't call it "labor" for nothing.

Consequently, my training has been more aid to me in the recent time of trials I have encountered. How interesting it is that it would work out that way. I think it started a bit over the summer with a little anxiety here and there. As we change seasons my anxiety has snowballed into a huge monster of  fear, panic, depression, stress, worry and sometimes physical illness. Often times I feel terribly nauseated. I can type right now knowing that what I am feeling is irrational and ridiculous but none the less my feelings remain. As I fight to stay healthy both mentally and physically I still have to do the daily stuff and take care of my children who depend on me for.... everything.

My children need me but.... it's kind of like when people say "if you are on an airplane and the air masks drop down, put yours on first, then put your child's on." I know that I need to do what I need to do to be healthy for me and everyone. When I feel anxiety, I deep breathe slow and steady as I would have a mother to do in labor. I search for tensed areas (usually my stomach) and consciously relax them. I use heat and cool as necessary. I suck on mints to relieve nausea. I drink hot tea. It is amazing the overlap in comfort measures in what I am experiencing and what I would do for a mother as she labors!

For months it was hard to talk to people about what I have going on because I didn't want people to think I was crazy or to monopolize the conversation with my problems. Now I know that talking about it only helps and grounds me to sanity. It's so hard to explain how I feel in those moments of panic- it's like mental torture. I would hope it's hard for most people to understand.

After experiencing a traumatic move across country at the age of 13 I experienced basically the same type of ailment. Luckily I had my sister on my side. I know she prayed for me in that time and was sensitive to my problem. Ultimately I was healed. I look forward to healing once again.

I look to God for my comfort. I try to explain it to other people and even my husband but many times I get blank stares. God knows all and is in all. His grace is enough and I know I am going to pull out of this and be totally free of it once more.

Doula myths debunked

If you are not familiar with the term "doula," as in birth doula, it is a woman who provides constant emotional and physical support to the mother during labor and birth and in the immediate postpartum time. Or, that's the bare bones of it.

In keeping with my new found birth junkie side, I wanted to address something that I saw on a message board about doulas. In an open discussion about how to talk to a woman looking into doula care for her birth, someone stated that there are three common objections to or myths about doula services:

1. A doula takes the place of a husband/partner
2. A doula only takes clients who wish to have an unmedicated birth
3. A doula has her own agenda for birth

So true I thought... and if I want people I know to give the idea of having a doula at their birth a chance- I best get my story straight. Here's the story....

1. Myth: A doula takes the place of the husband or partner.

Debunked: No way! A birth doula can serve a mother who has a husband/partner, other support people with her or is single. A laboring woman needs all the attention of support people outside of nurses, doctors and midwives (who have their own responsibilities). Many times it does take four (or more) hands to help the mother as she needs it during contractions for pain relief. The doula is more of a conduit between the laboring woman and partner, teaching the partner how to best serve mom as her needs change throughout labor. The mother also needs someone she can rely on for information as needed. She should not have to rely on only herself as her "normal self" may have been taken over by her "labor self" a while ago. Dad is not best for this role either (as anyone with a husband can imagine). The doula, knowledgeable in hospital procedures and protocols, comfort measures, positioning, and breastfeeding in the postpartum time is perfect for information transfer, helping mom and her partner work together to birth their baby.

The best things about the doula/husband or partner combo:
-Dad experiences less pressure because mom's needs are met and he is not the go-to for everything
-Dad has his needs met too
-If dad needs to leave the room to handle childcare for other children or get something to eat, mom is safe and sound and supported best of all
-Dad and mom can share beautiful moments as the doula holds a safe space for them
-Dad can be in the postpartum pictures instead of taking all of them

2.  Myth: A doula only takes clients who wish to have an unmedicated birth

Debunked: Not true! Having a doula is a wonderful addition to any birth "team." Doulas certainly accompany mothers who have unmedicated births but also women who plan to have an epidural or
a baby via c-section. The support given by the doula changes based on each birth but the idea is the same: to help the mother to have the birth experience she desires (as much as possible).

In an unmedicated birth, the two main components to support are emotional and physical support. More effort is needed for comfort measures during contractions and on into birth (as compared with a medicated birth). 

In a medicated birth where a mother receives an epidural, support is more emotional. The pain of labor may be gone but that doesn't necessarily mean every worry or anxiety is gone too. Women may need support for any unexpected side effects as well.

In a c-section, the doula takes on even another role for the mother. The support varies based on if the c-section is a non-emergency, an emergency or scheduled ahead of time. A doula still provides support before and after surgery and in some cases can even join mom in the operating room. Being with mom in the operating room and being able to process the event as it takes place one-on-one can make all the difference to the mother.

Everyone who is having a baby benefits by having a doula as part of their birth team!

3. Myth: A doula has her own agenda for birth

Debunked: If a doula does, she shouldn't. It is true that most doulas believe in the normalcy of birth and that the human body was designed in specific ways to have a baby safely and with little to no interventions. However, a doula is trained to respect that everyone has different life experiences that contribute to their feelings about childbirth. A doula's role is not to impose her opinions on her clients but to help the mother to discover her own desires for birth and put them into action. Doulas do not try to save the world from medications and surgery during childbirth but rather, they try to help the mother have the best birth experience possible, according to the mother.

I hope this helped to crush some myths about doula care.

And now, the Labor Playlist

Why has it been forever since my last post? Come on, me, work it out!

Over last weekend I took a birth doula training/workshop as part of my certification to become, well, a birth doula. So basically for three whole days I ate, slept, breathed, and you know what else- birth. I thought it was awesome!

In recalling the birth of my darling Leila in July of 2010, I remembered that the best part of it was my labor playlist- listening to my favorite music while laboring. Here it is, feel free to steal part or all of my playlist for your birthing enjoyment!

The Labor Playlist:

(in this order)

1. Help by The Beatles
2. Painbirds by Sparklehorse
3. Under Pressure by Queen/Bowie
4. Stronger by Kanye West

5. Float On by Modest Mouse
6. Push-It by Salt-N-Pepa
7. Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
8. Alive by Pearl Jam
9. Made to Love by Toby Mac
10. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N Roses

11.(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin
12. Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
13. My Girl by The Temptations
14. Layla by Derek & The Dominos (Eric Clapton)
15. O Praise Him (All This for a King) by David Crowder Band

Bonus track: In the Backseat by Arcade Fire. Chick was singing her heart out as I was working through contractions and it rocked.

My doula remembers me saying, while the song Layla was playing, "aren't I supposed to be having my baby now?"

What a funny girl I am!

The new me

I am ready for something new. Do you ever feel like that?

I had a really yucky week about a week or two ago. I just felt like I had the need-a-change heebies. I have recently had some changes take place within relationships, my place of worship, and the flow of my household. Finding a new normal is so stressful and gives me the feeling like I want to uproot and start all over again. It's hard to explain. I hope I am making a piece of sense.

The yucky feeling I had has turned into a positive feeling about making some positive changes for my life and my family's lives. Game on.

At the end of next month I have this wonderful opportunity to take training to become a certified Birth Doula. A Birth Doula is a trained labor support person and fulfills a variety of roles and makes birth the best experience that it can be. This is something that has been on my heart since I became pregnant with Leila and has kept with me. I am reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I love it. This is definitely a new, uncharted path for me. It's a way that I can work with other moms and babies and support my family too. Can't wait!

It's totally heinous but my husband starts school in 3 weeks. Yuck. I feel like I just got used to him being here with me and the kids everyday and now- another transition! I am not complaining. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband with summers off. It is beautiful. Everyone thinks that teaching is the best job in the world with the whole summers-off thing. Let me tell you, it makes up for the fact that my husband wakes up at 4:30am everyday to grade so that he can spend time with the kids in the evening before totally crashing out. And the anxiety. And the sleeplessness. And the fact that my husband doesn't laugh almost at all during the school year. The pay isn't glamourous either but we are thankful for it. Anyway, his impending return make me feel inspired to embrace the change than resist. Here are some things on my school time/fall to do list:

1. Get the holistic/homeopathic medicine cabinet ready
2. Touch of the paint on the house
3. Organize our calendar for the next several months
4. Plan date nights/times
5. Put up a display wire for the kids project and art from home and school
6. Plan Thanksgiving and Christmas

You probably think I am nutz-o for thinking of medicine cabinets and winter holidays but no way. Have I mentioned that I am "seasonally affected" (hahah S.A.D. jokes here) and that I spent all last fall (from Sept 13 or Dec 15) with my mom who was dying of cancer?

My fall/winter anxiety is welling and I am trying to be cool about everything. I think I would be an awesome psychological experiment for someone....

Update on all this soon!