Soup!

So I hope I am not the only one who struggles to put food on the table sometimes. It's not necessarily that I don't have what I need (although that does happen). It's more about planning ahead and making something that everyone will want.

Right now I am working with my husband, a newly vegetarian, my stepson who is pretty good but if it looks funny- no way, my daughter Sofia (3) who eats so little sometimes I wonder how she keeps on living and Leila (16 months) who eats everything and twice as much as Sofia. I'm pretty easy going too but.... little to no dairy. That leaves me frustrated and wanting to head to the closest drive-thru.

As it turns out, with the  changing seasons and changes in seasonal foods, I have latched on to soup as my go to and I found the perfect book! From the library of course (love it!). The book is called SOUP and it is just a compilation of a bunch of super yummy, super easy, soup recipes. I don't think I have ever cooked so many recipes out of one book in my whole life. Pumpkin soup, chunky turkey soup, lentil soup, even Mulligatawny is honor of the Soup Nazi himself. I think I added too much ginger though. Time for some tweaking. Anyway.

The thing about soup is that most times it is easy and can be quick- but you have to have the right things laying around. I suggest you always pick these things up at the store and have them on hand:

butter

onions

vegetable or chicken stock

parsley

potatoes

carrots

celery

For some reason it seems like most recipes call for some combination of the above and having those things around can be a life saver. Especially after a long day.

I definitely recommend the book- just buy it, you won't be disappointed but until then here is one of my favorites:

Allotment soup

You need:

2 tbsp olive oil

1 medium leek, finely sliced

2 medium carrots, diced

1 large zucchini, diced

1 celery rib, diced

1 large potato, diced

2 tomatoes peeled and diced

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

2 quarts cold water

sea salt and ground pepper

6 oz frozen green beans

How to:

Heat oil in a large pot. Add leek, carrots, zucchini, celery, potato, tomato and garlic and cook, stirring regularly for 10-15 minutes until soft but not brown. Add water and season with salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for 45 minutes or until everything is tender. Add frozen green beans and heat until tender. Serve with some yummy crusty bread.

Yum-o! Enjoy!

Mothering the Mother

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4: 6-7

In August of this year I took training to become a birth doula. I think I blogged a bit about this after it happened. The "thing" about having a doula at birth is mothering the mother. Not mother in the literal sense because that can turn people off as some people do not have good relationships with their own mothers. It's more about caring for the mother as needed when she is working hard trying to birth a baby. They don't call it "labor" for nothing.

Consequently, my training has been more aid to me in the recent time of trials I have encountered. How interesting it is that it would work out that way. I think it started a bit over the summer with a little anxiety here and there. As we change seasons my anxiety has snowballed into a huge monster of  fear, panic, depression, stress, worry and sometimes physical illness. Often times I feel terribly nauseated. I can type right now knowing that what I am feeling is irrational and ridiculous but none the less my feelings remain. As I fight to stay healthy both mentally and physically I still have to do the daily stuff and take care of my children who depend on me for.... everything.

My children need me but.... it's kind of like when people say "if you are on an airplane and the air masks drop down, put yours on first, then put your child's on." I know that I need to do what I need to do to be healthy for me and everyone. When I feel anxiety, I deep breathe slow and steady as I would have a mother to do in labor. I search for tensed areas (usually my stomach) and consciously relax them. I use heat and cool as necessary. I suck on mints to relieve nausea. I drink hot tea. It is amazing the overlap in comfort measures in what I am experiencing and what I would do for a mother as she labors!

For months it was hard to talk to people about what I have going on because I didn't want people to think I was crazy or to monopolize the conversation with my problems. Now I know that talking about it only helps and grounds me to sanity. It's so hard to explain how I feel in those moments of panic- it's like mental torture. I would hope it's hard for most people to understand.

After experiencing a traumatic move across country at the age of 13 I experienced basically the same type of ailment. Luckily I had my sister on my side. I know she prayed for me in that time and was sensitive to my problem. Ultimately I was healed. I look forward to healing once again.

I look to God for my comfort. I try to explain it to other people and even my husband but many times I get blank stares. God knows all and is in all. His grace is enough and I know I am going to pull out of this and be totally free of it once more.

Rough waters behind?

When I originally started this blog back in February, I talked a lot about my grief from my mother's passing last December. I don't know if I was prepared to enter into that time this year, that she was sick last year. It's been a very rough season in that respect and I had to take a break. Hopefully I am ready to continue on now and let go of some of this so I can feel normal again- whatever that is. I have always hoped that the things I write will help someone or make someone say "yes! I am not alone, at least one other person in the world feels the same way I do."

So, with this, I resurrect my blog from 2 months of inactivity. Distracting my mind from other junk. Sharing my secrets (ha) of motherhood and wifedom (yes, I said wifedom), coming clean about my imperfections and very importantly, chatting about my faith. I really don't know where I would be without it.

How to include your younglings in almost anything

One of the hardest balancing acts in parenthood is the daily choice between doing what needs to be done (housework, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and what you would like to do (play with your kids, read, nap, etc.). Here are some ideas on what I do to strike that balance- I would love to hear your comments about what you do/have done in order to be supermom...

*note: these things are probably going to slow you up a bit but at the end of the day it might be worth it!

Have to do the dishes: allow your children to stand on a chair next to you and "help" by playing in the bubbles or even rinsing the dishes

Have to clean your room: allow the kids to jump on the bed while you clean up around them. Play intermittent peek-a-boo by hiding next to the bed and popping up to get them

Have to clean their room: turn some music on while you are cleaning and encourage the kids to dance and sing. Give the children something easy to pick up. Sometimes I have my daughter clean-up the puzzles by asking her to put them back together again.

Have to clean the bathroom: Put the kids in the bath and let them play while you clean-up. I would not recommend this if you use harsh cleaners as they will be inhaled by everyone in the bathroom.

Have to get ready: Let kids brush their teeth with you or chew on an extra toothbrush if they are still too young to really brush their teeth. Give your kids a hair brush to brush their hair when you do yours and maybe a blush brush for when you do your make-up.

Have to cook dinner: Get that chair or chairs out again and let the kids help measure and place ingredients. You can allow kids who are old enough to use a plastic knife to cut soft foods for dinner. If this makes you nervous, you can have the kids pretend to make food with a pretend kitchen or pretend food. You can also have the kids play with play-doh at the kitchen table while dinner is being prepared.

Have to do laundry: Show your kids how to help you sort and even place clothes in the washer or dryer. My daughter Sofia (3) can even fold towels and wash rags after I showed her a couple of times!

Have to run errands: Allow your kids to pack a special snack to eat at a specific time in between errands. Plan errands around naps and meal times. Maybe you can include an errand to the park when everything else is all done!

These are just a few things I try to do so I can use the most of my time. Of course I make time for reading and playing only- not while trying to do other things. I also try to make time for me while the kids are having naps or watching a little PBS. I love PBS.

I hope your child labor red flag isn't going off after reading my suggestions. I feel like being able to help gives my girls a sense of accomplishment and helps us to grow our mother/daughter bond by doing things together, even if it is housework. Housework has to be done and kids have to be played with, nurtured..... and taught the harsh realities of daily life one day at a time.

Doula myths debunked

If you are not familiar with the term "doula," as in birth doula, it is a woman who provides constant emotional and physical support to the mother during labor and birth and in the immediate postpartum time. Or, that's the bare bones of it.

In keeping with my new found birth junkie side, I wanted to address something that I saw on a message board about doulas. In an open discussion about how to talk to a woman looking into doula care for her birth, someone stated that there are three common objections to or myths about doula services:

1. A doula takes the place of a husband/partner
2. A doula only takes clients who wish to have an unmedicated birth
3. A doula has her own agenda for birth

So true I thought... and if I want people I know to give the idea of having a doula at their birth a chance- I best get my story straight. Here's the story....

1. Myth: A doula takes the place of the husband or partner.

Debunked: No way! A birth doula can serve a mother who has a husband/partner, other support people with her or is single. A laboring woman needs all the attention of support people outside of nurses, doctors and midwives (who have their own responsibilities). Many times it does take four (or more) hands to help the mother as she needs it during contractions for pain relief. The doula is more of a conduit between the laboring woman and partner, teaching the partner how to best serve mom as her needs change throughout labor. The mother also needs someone she can rely on for information as needed. She should not have to rely on only herself as her "normal self" may have been taken over by her "labor self" a while ago. Dad is not best for this role either (as anyone with a husband can imagine). The doula, knowledgeable in hospital procedures and protocols, comfort measures, positioning, and breastfeeding in the postpartum time is perfect for information transfer, helping mom and her partner work together to birth their baby.

The best things about the doula/husband or partner combo:
-Dad experiences less pressure because mom's needs are met and he is not the go-to for everything
-Dad has his needs met too
-If dad needs to leave the room to handle childcare for other children or get something to eat, mom is safe and sound and supported best of all
-Dad and mom can share beautiful moments as the doula holds a safe space for them
-Dad can be in the postpartum pictures instead of taking all of them

2.  Myth: A doula only takes clients who wish to have an unmedicated birth

Debunked: Not true! Having a doula is a wonderful addition to any birth "team." Doulas certainly accompany mothers who have unmedicated births but also women who plan to have an epidural or
a baby via c-section. The support given by the doula changes based on each birth but the idea is the same: to help the mother to have the birth experience she desires (as much as possible).

In an unmedicated birth, the two main components to support are emotional and physical support. More effort is needed for comfort measures during contractions and on into birth (as compared with a medicated birth). 

In a medicated birth where a mother receives an epidural, support is more emotional. The pain of labor may be gone but that doesn't necessarily mean every worry or anxiety is gone too. Women may need support for any unexpected side effects as well.

In a c-section, the doula takes on even another role for the mother. The support varies based on if the c-section is a non-emergency, an emergency or scheduled ahead of time. A doula still provides support before and after surgery and in some cases can even join mom in the operating room. Being with mom in the operating room and being able to process the event as it takes place one-on-one can make all the difference to the mother.

Everyone who is having a baby benefits by having a doula as part of their birth team!

3. Myth: A doula has her own agenda for birth

Debunked: If a doula does, she shouldn't. It is true that most doulas believe in the normalcy of birth and that the human body was designed in specific ways to have a baby safely and with little to no interventions. However, a doula is trained to respect that everyone has different life experiences that contribute to their feelings about childbirth. A doula's role is not to impose her opinions on her clients but to help the mother to discover her own desires for birth and put them into action. Doulas do not try to save the world from medications and surgery during childbirth but rather, they try to help the mother have the best birth experience possible, according to the mother.

I hope this helped to crush some myths about doula care.

And now, the Labor Playlist

Why has it been forever since my last post? Come on, me, work it out!

Over last weekend I took a birth doula training/workshop as part of my certification to become, well, a birth doula. So basically for three whole days I ate, slept, breathed, and you know what else- birth. I thought it was awesome!

In recalling the birth of my darling Leila in July of 2010, I remembered that the best part of it was my labor playlist- listening to my favorite music while laboring. Here it is, feel free to steal part or all of my playlist for your birthing enjoyment!

The Labor Playlist:

(in this order)

1. Help by The Beatles
2. Painbirds by Sparklehorse
3. Under Pressure by Queen/Bowie
4. Stronger by Kanye West

5. Float On by Modest Mouse
6. Push-It by Salt-N-Pepa
7. Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
8. Alive by Pearl Jam
9. Made to Love by Toby Mac
10. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N Roses

11.(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin
12. Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
13. My Girl by The Temptations
14. Layla by Derek & The Dominos (Eric Clapton)
15. O Praise Him (All This for a King) by David Crowder Band

Bonus track: In the Backseat by Arcade Fire. Chick was singing her heart out as I was working through contractions and it rocked.

My doula remembers me saying, while the song Layla was playing, "aren't I supposed to be having my baby now?"

What a funny girl I am!

I am complete: the Indie Dance playlist

I love music. Here is my music history in a nutshell:

I grew up listening to the "oldies" with my mom. It festered an amazing love for the Beatles and a lot of disco era music. In middle school I got sucked into pop music pretty heavily. Matchbox 20, Ben Fold Five, Will Smith, and my favorite: 'N Sync. Oh, JT, how I STILL love thee...



In high school I loved some Hip Hop and R&B. Busta Rhymes, Usher, and a ton of others. I also had an All American Rejects moment and a long moment where I was into techno and trance type music. Have I mentioned I love to dance? Um, yea.



My greatest love in terms of music was yet to come- Indie music. My husband is very into music and writes and plays music himself. It took me a lot of "what the bleep is this stuff" to warm up to some of the artists I had never heard of before like The Flaming Lips, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Sparklehorse. But now, I don't know where I would be without them. My favorite of all is Arcade Fire and so I guess you could say that my new playlist is heavy on them.



The Indie Dance Playlist
1. Howlin' for You by The Black Keys
2. Ready to Start by Arcade Fire
3. Electric Feel by MGMT
4. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
5. Got Some by Pearl Jam
6. Kids by MGMT
7. Month of May by Arcade Fire
8. Rebellion (Lies) by Arcade Fire
9. Keep the Car Running by Arcade Fire

So, this is what gets me pumped. What's on your list?

Dear Library: I love you!

It's official- I love the library and were I not already married, I would consider marrying it.

There are a couple things I love more than everything else and those are books, paper and writing utensils. Oh, and fabric. Big trouble. Big, big trouble. I was just telling my hubbs the other night that if I had nothing else but people in my life and books, I would be all good. Ok, and food. And maybe clothes but I think you know what I am getting at.

On my last trip to the library I totally hooked up. I got all the books I don't already have on my doula reading list. I got a couple of sewing books, a couple of cook books and a couple of books on parenting stuff. Lastly, I picked up a Kits for Kids bag all about animals. Love it!

Here are some ways to get the most out of your library:

*Get entertainment for the kids at the library- books, movies, games, whatever.

*Attend free programs and seminars at the library. Our library has movie nights, plays, concerts, a Lego club, and a ton of other programs that are free.

*A good way to boost your music library. The library has to know that when CDs are borrowed from the library they end up on someone's IPod for free. Just saying.

*Create a project file. I borrow books on crafting or sewing and instead of keeping them for an eternity I make copies of projects I want to try to do (for my personal use, not to share or distribute) and keep them until I have time to work on them.

*Take advantage of multi-media resources for children. We love to get the kits for kids (packs of books and other materials all about a certain subject area) and check out CDs.

For me, the library is one of my favorite places. If it wasn't for my kids, I could totally just get lost in there for a few days. I love the big windows, playing hide and seek with my girls running between rows and rows of books, and the fact that the library knows more than I ever will about.... everything.

Leila hit the BIG # 1

Leila's "healthy" carrot cupcake

 My darling Leila hit numero uno about two weeks ago now. I can't believe it! For her birthday we celebrated her and Sofia whose birthday was in June. It was pretty low key and fun- mostly family. It was a book themed gathering and the invites looked like library cards and had a picture of the girls on the pocket. Another great idea from Disney Family Fun. We collected books for a local charity who delivers books to kids in hospitals instead of gifts. It worked out :) Here are some more pics:


Dad helping Leila with her hammering toy



Sofia and her birthday crown

The girls opening some things from mom and dad

Play tunnel!

I am so glad that we could celebrate our girls. The ice cream sundaes were good. The day was sunny. Who could ask for more?

A bad case of the yuckies

I feel like crap.

And because this is my blog and you have elected to read it (sorry and thank you), here is a list of what I feel like crap about:

1. My mom. I miss her so much. I ask myself all the time when things will be better and seem ok again. The thing is, some days I feel ok that she is gone and other days feel like she died yesterday. Today is one of those days. I need her today, because I feel like I don't have anyone else.

2. The ex-files. Enough said.

3. Toddler teething. I truly feel like Leila wants to crawl back up where she came from and live there. Thankfully now she can say "momma" so I definitely know it is me she wants and not someone else. Yay!

4. Bad girl Sofia. She has been getting into everything and doing things that she knows are bad. It's as if she is not in control of her own body. This is a new phase for us, and I don't like it.

5. "Why, mom?" "Why?" "WHY?" WHY? WHYWHYWHY aaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

6. Probably PMS too. Who knows?

7. Comparing myself to others

8. The beginning of the end of summer

9. Coming off of 3 days by myself with the kids

10. Having to ask my children 152 times to do anything and have them ignore me like I never said anything

11. Humidity that makes it hard to breathe

12. Toxic relationships

13. The perpetually untidy house. Scratch that, a house that the only way it would truly be clean would be for it to be bulldozed and built new on top. Nevertheless, I remain thankful (sometimes through gritted teeth).

14. Not being on the same page with the love of my life

15. Getting up 4 times a night and hearing about all these other moms who have children who have been sleeping through the night since...FOREVER.


I think that might be it. Number one is just amplified by all the other little ones. It was always her and me. And now it's just me. And some days I don't want to put on my big girl panties. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. That was today- minus that hole.

Looking forward to a new beginning tomorrow. Sorry for the sad, drab post :(

Guilty pleasures

I have never really compiled a list of these things before but I thought it might be fun to name a few and highlight my imperfections a bit more. Yay- just what I need!

1. Soda pop. I frickin' love a soda on occasion. When I can get past the feeling that I am adding to my cancer risk by drinking it and just enjoy myself, it is awesome! Fountain soda, foam cup, plastic cup, can, bottle. In that order and always with ice. So weird.

2. Hip-hop music. I really still just want to be a back-up dancer in a hip-hop video, just once. I love to dance and if I am aiming to get pumped for something (sometimes even church on sunday- eeeek!) I might listen to a bit. Pitbull, Black Eyed Peas, Outkast, Kanye West, Missy Elliot. In that order. There are others.

3. Junk food in general. Or more specifically, McDonald's fries, chocolate anything, Redvine licorice, iced coffee, and when I really don't care if I die tomorrow, something called a "pizza puff" from the local fast greek food place. I do pretty well. I haven't had a pizza puff in years, the iced coffee has a pound of sugar and makes me feel jittery, the Redvine licorice and it's Red 40 dye freaks me out a bit, and the fries and their harmful used and reused oils give me the heebies. But every now and then.

4. Transformers and Disney movies. I love them. When my daughter watches Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast, she asks me to be quiet because I am singing too loud. Just in case you are wondering: Beauty and the Beast, Finding Nemo, Toy Story(s), Aladdin, and Cinderella. Tonight we watched Revenge of the Fallen (Transformers 2) and decided that I can't get over cars and change into super-fantastic alien robots and fight each other. Here we go: Optimus Prime, Bumble Bee, Jetfire, Devastator.

5. Writing poetry. I love doing it but I have little time to get into poetry mode. It's usually pretty raw and untamed. Might rhyme, might not. Definitely uses appropriate language for whatever I am trying to convey- good or bad. No list of favorite poets here- sorry!

More on my inner workings another time!

Peanuts and other fun kids stuff

I have been thinking lately that it is time to start really talking to my 3 year old, Sofia, about some birds and bees stuff. So... I started the other day with a book I got from the library. It is called "God made your body" by Jim Burns. It is super light and perfect for the 3-5 age group but definitely uses accurate terminology for body parts.

We read through the whole book and then we have the following conversation:

Me: Remember that girls have a special body part called a vagina so that one day they can grow up and be mommies and boys have a special body part called a penis so that they can grow up and become daddies.

Sofia: ...an I have a agina?

Me: Yes and so do I. What special part does daddy have?

Sofia: A peanit.

Me: And Leila? What does she have?

Sofia: A agina!

(pause where I am excited that Sofia and I seem to be on the same page with our first birds and bees chat...)

Sofia (very excited, now): So one day I grow up and Up and UP, and I have a peanut in my butt?!

Me: (a huge laugh like one of those you try to hide and not laugh but it comes out anyway and big!) I'm sorry honey, what you said made me laugh a little. You are such a silly girl!

I think it went pretty well outside of the peanut in the butt thing :)

P.s. Sofia thinks your "butt" is everything down there so that will be our next hurdle. One day at a time...

The new me

I am ready for something new. Do you ever feel like that?

I had a really yucky week about a week or two ago. I just felt like I had the need-a-change heebies. I have recently had some changes take place within relationships, my place of worship, and the flow of my household. Finding a new normal is so stressful and gives me the feeling like I want to uproot and start all over again. It's hard to explain. I hope I am making a piece of sense.

The yucky feeling I had has turned into a positive feeling about making some positive changes for my life and my family's lives. Game on.

At the end of next month I have this wonderful opportunity to take training to become a certified Birth Doula. A Birth Doula is a trained labor support person and fulfills a variety of roles and makes birth the best experience that it can be. This is something that has been on my heart since I became pregnant with Leila and has kept with me. I am reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I love it. This is definitely a new, uncharted path for me. It's a way that I can work with other moms and babies and support my family too. Can't wait!

It's totally heinous but my husband starts school in 3 weeks. Yuck. I feel like I just got used to him being here with me and the kids everyday and now- another transition! I am not complaining. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband with summers off. It is beautiful. Everyone thinks that teaching is the best job in the world with the whole summers-off thing. Let me tell you, it makes up for the fact that my husband wakes up at 4:30am everyday to grade so that he can spend time with the kids in the evening before totally crashing out. And the anxiety. And the sleeplessness. And the fact that my husband doesn't laugh almost at all during the school year. The pay isn't glamourous either but we are thankful for it. Anyway, his impending return make me feel inspired to embrace the change than resist. Here are some things on my school time/fall to do list:

1. Get the holistic/homeopathic medicine cabinet ready
2. Touch of the paint on the house
3. Organize our calendar for the next several months
4. Plan date nights/times
5. Put up a display wire for the kids project and art from home and school
6. Plan Thanksgiving and Christmas

You probably think I am nutz-o for thinking of medicine cabinets and winter holidays but no way. Have I mentioned that I am "seasonally affected" (hahah S.A.D. jokes here) and that I spent all last fall (from Sept 13 or Dec 15) with my mom who was dying of cancer?

My fall/winter anxiety is welling and I am trying to be cool about everything. I think I would be an awesome psychological experiment for someone....

Update on all this soon!

My God, my Provider

I know I have written before about the bible verse that talks about God's provision for His people.

It comes from Matthew 6: 30-33 and says:

"And if God cares so wonderfully for the wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying 'What will we eat?' 'What will we drink?' 'What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

With this verse in mind I want to tell you a story.

Last school year was a little rough for my husband who is a teacher. He received notice that their corporation would be experiencing a pay cut for at least the next two years. This, I know, was devastating to him. He has come from very little and has really worked his way up to where he is at today. While our current situation overall is much better than the example that he and I grew up with, we are far from "rolling in dough." It's more like "makin' it." I was concerned but knew that it would all work out. I had this feeling that we were going to make it somehow.

A couple of weeks ago we were talking about the upcoming school year and the amount we would be be losing per month. If we thought things were tight before.....

Two weeks ago we got a knock at the door. It was a solicitor for our current Internet company. Usually this would be totally annoying and surely they would come at the least opportune moment like while I have my breast hanging out, nursing Leila or when both the girls just laid down for a nap but weren't quite asleep when the door bell rang SEVERAL times. This guy, though, had good news. Due to some new competition in the area he wanted to reduce out monthly payment by $15 and upgrade our Internet to a faster speed for free. We looked for the catch- none! AND a new router showed up at our door a couple of days later- no charge. WOW!

But here is the kicker. We recently had to update our tax information to our student loan place so that they could assess our payment amount. After the assessment they sent us our new bill- cut nearly in half!!! This could not possibly be right. Jamie called to get the the bottom of it and they said that the adjusted amount was in fact correct. I cried. Together with the Internet reduction, it was almost the exact amount we would be losing each month with the pay cut.

Listen- I am not perfect. The only thing I am perfect at is being a mess, or at least that is exactly how I feel. I get angry with my kids sometimes, I yell some times, I can have a potty mouth on occasion, I have prejudices and hurts and wants. I deserve nothing. Really.

What I do have is a heart for God. I want to love people more. I want to help others and love my family. I want to value people and relationships more. I have a desire to be better.

Just like a parent looks beyond a child's bad behavior sometimes to love them and provide for them, so our Father looks past our yuckies to what is deep in our hearts. He is everything we need and when we seek Him, He will provide for us.

God, You are way good! Amen!

Summer, COME BACK!

I recently drafted this letter to Summer. Thought I might share :) LOL......

Dear Summer:

Where the *bleep* do you think you are going? Huh? Don't walk away from me while I am talking to you, mister! How dare you creep up on us at the END of May and then blaze by with no consideration for children that long to be outside and teachers who haven't stopped working before they have to begin again and wives of teachers who have barely gotten used to having their husbands home before having to say goodbye again. If you weren't trying to leave already, Target and Wal-Mart wouldn't be trying to sell everyone crayons for $.25 a box and folders for $.05. Are you going to do that one thing where you still around, like, way into October confusing everyone further because it still feels like summer but your best friends Target and Wal-Mart already have their Christmas stuff out?

Listen, Summer, I'm sorry for getting huffy. Things are just better in summer. More fun is had in summer. More laughter. People are happier with you around. None of us are short on our vitamin D right now and we like it. Look at all the kids who enjoy all you have for them. Trampolines. Pools. Sprinklers. Sleepovers. Sun-kissed skin for mom and farmer's tans for dad. Garden fresh food. Balanced mood. (Like how I rhymed there, Summer? I can't make stuff grow or anything but we are all talented in our own ways.)

Anyway, Summer. Please stay! Don't leave us! Winter around here over stays its welcome every year and I have had it! Do not let Winter win! Please!

Summer for President- 2011!

Sincerely, 

Bummed for Summer to End

Summer time salad

When I was growing up summer meant a lot of things.... iced sun tea, grilled foods and lemon and oil salad. I made this salad just the other day with some garden lettuce. It is way simple and a beautiful memory for me. I know, "lemon and oil? Salad? Seriously?"

Yeah, I'm serious. Here is how it goes:

You need:
The amount of everything depends on the size of the salad
Lettuce of choice (the crisper, the better), chopped
Onions, thinly sliced
Tomato, thinly sliced
Optional ingredients: cucumbers, grated carrot, radish, whatever
Juice of 1 lemon (or more for a bigger salad)
Olive oil (or other oil of choice)
SALT (very key!)

How to:
Place all ingredients except lemon, oil and salt in a bowl. Mix. Squeeze juice from lemon into the salad being careful to catch any seeds. Add what seems to be an equal amount of oil. Toss to cover. Now add the salt to taste, a little at a time. Let sit, covered, in the refrigerator for 1 hour. Toss before serving.

The salt is key. You don't want anyone having a heart attack over the sodium content but you do want enough salt for it to enhance the flavor of the lemon and oil as the dressing for this simple salad. If you taste it and think "yuck," you just need to add more salt.

Growing up, my mom always added a whole pack of chopped, dirt-cheap lunch meat. It was a summer meal for us. I always appreciated it and never realized it for what it really was- my mom just trying to provide for us. I am so happy that once I had the ignorance of a child!

Enjoy! Happy summer!

I heart breastfeeding!

That is what I am talking about, kid!

Leila is 11 1/2 months now and we are still nursing. And I love it. It is in my top 5 when it comes to all things pregnancy/baby related, right up there with feeling the baby kick in the womb. Leila isn't nursing a ton, we are down to 5 times or so during the day for a couple of minutes each time and maybe once at night. My favorite time is right before bed. It seems like life never slows anymore and nursing is the perfect thing for Leila and I to go and do to settle down before bed. We nurse laying down and I rub her little leg or back and kiss her head. My body still calms as I nurse which is awesome for me- the best medicine after a sometimes stressful day. Being able to nurse a child is just beautiful and so special. It's cool to look as my girls before they had had other foods and think, my body made the milk that nourished this body. It is awesome.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I recently read an article in the New York Times that I thought to be very profound and had nothing but good stuff to say about breastfeeding. The article is called The Breast Milk Cure by Nicholas Kristof. In the article Kristof suggests that breast milk, a free substance that already exists and doesn't need refrigeration, could be the answer to worldwide hunger-related deaths in children. The article states that in Niger only 9% of babies get only breastmilk for the first 6 months as suggested by the World Heath Organization. In America it's 13%. Kristof states that misconceptions that some mothers have such as thinking that babies need water outside of their breast milk (and then giving their child water that is potentially unsafe) is part of the reason that babies all over the world are dying unnecessarily. A statistic that absolutely stunned me was that, according to a British medical journal called The Lancet, 1.4 million child deaths could be averted each year if babies were properly breastfed. That is one death every 22 seconds. Wow!

For complete text see http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/opinion/23kristof.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=breastfeeding&st=cse

Baby, you got it right- breastfeeding does ROCK!

Just in time for the 4th

You know, I just don't know what I think about the July 4th.

I know I can't stand fireworks. I like them on July 4th but the month prior and the month after from 7pm to midnight while I am trying to get my little ones settled for bed- no thanks! What really gets me about fireworks is that I hear them all the time during the day. Isn't the point of fireworks to do them at night and enjoy the beautiful colors along with the horrendous bang? Just saying.

Then there are the sales. As if Macy's and Wal-Mart had a hand in writing and signing the Declaration of Independence themselves... Uh "Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, Macy's, Wal-Mart, Target..."

And the lake. Where is my lake? Shouldn't it be law that if you have a lake place you have to invite the people you know who don't have a lake up to your lake for a lake holiday such as the fourth of July? Maybe I am just jealous...

Now let's get a bit more serious- the amount of bleeding patriots that come out of the woodwork to celebrate. "God Bless America" "I Love America" "America the Brave" I am thankful that many years ago our founders set the foundation for the country that is my home, I just don't feel like I need to exert my patriotism for a day. I don't know why God chose me to be born here in America and some other person to be born into total poverty in a third world country. It surely wasn't anything I did to earn it. If anything I feel like I should be on my knees thanking God for His mercy on me and asking Him how I can help people, whoever they be, who don't have what I have. America has a lot of problems and just because it's the fourth of July I'm not going to forget about them. God Bless America? How about God Blessed America. Let Freedom Ring? How about finding freedom from addiction, depression, obesity and greed.

What will I really do on the fourth? Probably eat some food and hang out with my family then go watch some fireworks. And think about how last year I spent the fourth with my mom too.

Intro photo/drawing borrowed from: http://www.inkymess.com/inky.php?id=100

Busy, busy!

It's finally time to rest. I have been busting my tail on a beautiful dress for a beautiful bride.... and it's done! I can't show as much as I would like because I don't want the groom-to-be to have a spoiled surprise.

I have been working with my friend for a while and this project has followed me through my daughter Leila's first year (birth, colic, sleeplessness), my mother's dying and death, everyday trials, the gloomiest and rainiest spring ever, my sister's cancer diagnosis, and more. I am so glad that we have made it to the other side. :)

Coming later- pictures of her wedding hat and more pics of the dress. Stay tuned!

Good ol' gardening

I wouldn't exactly say that I have a green thumb. I usually go about 90 percent of the way and then make some fatal error... like not replanting fast enough... or leaving seedlings out in a severe thunderstorm to be blown to smithereens. Whatever. Good thing I have a husband who is pretty good! Here are some things we have going right now:

Peas! Our peas are wild and super-yummy. If you have never grown peas before- do so right now! They are a cool weather crop so you can start them in spring or fall. They produce a lot and they taste better than anything you can find in the stores.

Gardening really makes me realize how small I am and how big God is. Looking at a plant like the peas, you can see how beautifully and wonderfully they were designed. They climb up the fencing, throwing out little lines to latch on to the fence and each other. Then they bloom some beautiful white flowers and out of the flowers come yummy edible goodness whose health benefits are off the charts. Amazing!

Zucchini! We have several zucchini plants going right now and if things go as last year, we will have zucchini coming out of our ears anytime. They are amazing too- they will grow full size in 1-2 days. Don't turn your back on them!

You live and you learn.... we tried to relocate this rogue squash plant that started growing in our pepper bed from composted material but within minutes it looked like this- wilty leaves and just plain sad. Kind of sucks but what do you do?

Last year we participated in a CSA or community supported agriculture program with a local organic farm. We are not going to participate this year because we have increased our garden and to be honest, it was hard to keep up before things went bad! In one of our boxes last year we got some lemon balm, which, before that, I never knew existed. I totally heart it and was just thinking about how I would like to have some for my garden but I was thinking it was too late. Well, look what I found in my pea bed! Lemon balm! The best part about it is that I recognized it myself! Note to those just starting out in the garden thing- mint, lemon balm and oregano are all in the same family. Put them somewhere where you don't mind them taking over because they will. They will also come back year after year- awesome!



Toddler-ese



Sofia being totally silly, like usual

My darling daughter Sofia really had us going the other day. Luke was doing some reading, my husband Jamie was at the computer and I was sitting on the floor folding laundry when Sofia comes in and tells me she lost her "crama." Here is how it went down:

Sofia: Momma, I lost my crama.

Me: Your Grandma? Grandma Judy? Yea, honey, she is in heaven, remember?

Sofia: No, not my Grandma, my crama.

Me: Your crayon?

Luke: Sofia, what did you lose?

Sofia: My crama, I don't know where it is!

Luke: Your crayon?

Sofia: No!

Luke: (odd look to me) Your Grandma?

Sofia: No!

Me: (Luke and I ready to bust out laughing anytime) Your cranberry?

Sofia: NO! My CRAMA! Can you help me find it?

Jamie: (to Luke and I) Will you guys quit?

Me: (to Sofia) Honey, I am sorry but I don't understand you. What color is your "crama?"

Sofia: It is pink and has princesses on it.

Me: Where did you have it last?

Sofia: I don't know!

Luke: (getting a total kick out of this toddler-ese) What's it called again? (snicker) Your crayon?

Sofia: It's my CRAMA!

Eventually we just had to let it go because we really had no idea what she was talking about. A day later she comes up to me and says "I found it, momma!".....

It was her CAMERA the whole time! Ha!

Anniversary dress

A little something I threw together for my anniversary...

The top is black linen-like fabric and mustard colored micro suede and the bottom is actually supposed to be made into curtains I think.... I love home dec fabrics for clothing!

Funny story: I put the dress on and walk around a bit before leaving. Jamie doesn't say anything so I am thinking that he doesn't like it. So I say "You didn't say anything about my dress." He says "oh, you made it? Where is it?" I was like, "I am wearing it!" As it turns out, he thought I bought it. I guess that it a bit of a compliment in itself :)

Lamby

When my mom was sick, someone had given her a stuffed healing lamb. Mom used to sit on the couch with it, sleep with it, everything. So when my mom's best friend Susan was diagnosed with cancer, mom ended up giving Susan her healing lamb. A while later, Susan bought her a replacement, also known as "Lamby."

When mom passed we set Lamby up on her casket. I even told the people from the funeral home that the lamb could rest with mom. Somehow, it ended up in the bottom of the bag with some other keepsakes and belongings we received after the burial. What a gift- mom must have know that "Lamby" would soon have another calling in life.

I hid Lamby for a while because I didn't want it getting lost or destroyed by one of the kids.... and it smelled just like mom. There were several times that I would smell it and then burst into tears. The memory of smell is so amazing.

One day I was holding Leila and I went into my closet to get something from my supplies and Leila spotted Lamby and just about jumped out of my arms in excitement- as if Lamby were a long-lost friend- she kicked and laughed and grabbed for her. What was I to do? I could see how happy she was and so I gave it to her. She grabbed it and held it and rubbed her face on it and wouldn't let it go. It was so adorable and strange- she had never acted like that before towards any of the other hundreds of stuffies we have.

Now she doesn't go anywhere without it. She eats with it (unfortunately, notice the cheerios):

and sleeps with it and crawls with it and has to have it in the car... and library... and store. She even ended up accidentally throwing it in the trash yesterday. I was so thankful I had just changed the bag!  I looked online for a back-up yesterday just in case it ever comes up missing.

Part of my sadness and grief has always been that my girls wouldn't get to know my mom. How beautiful it is that in little and big ways she remains in our lives and how a little stuffed lamb that brought her comfort so many times is now doing the same for her granddaughter.

God, did you plan this? Man, you are good!

A God-cation?

I had every intention of writing about this a couple of weeks ago after I actually experienced it. I guess it took me some time to process it.

If you have read some of my other posts, you probably get what has been going on in my life over the past 6 months. Hands down, it has been the most challenging I have ever experienced to this point. It's all relative, I guess. I have felt deep, deep sadness and grief over the loss of my mom. I have felt depression, despair, heartbreak, overwhelmed, anxiety, confusion and so much more. I have felt happiness and joy but only in little spurts that don't stay very long. Everyday has been a clear opportunity to draw near to God and stay put in His presence. It truly has been my refuge during this time.

Two weeks ago I had a beautiful opportunity to take a vacation without leaving the farm, if you know what I mean. It is very hard to explain and some reading this will think I am a little coo-coo. But I am not. I believe that God gave me a vacation from life for a whole week without ever leaving my home or town. Let me explain.

I woke up on Monday and just felt really good and calm. For the whole week I felt this way- a very odd feeling for me. On Monday night I had the dream that I shared in a different post about my mom playing with my girls. On Tuesday morning I woke up with a heart full and overflowing with thankfulness and joy for God and the gift that He gave me through that dream. All week long I was super-patient with my girls (sorry, I would love to say that I am a beacon of light for my children at all times but....) and when Jamie and I weren't exactly on the same page with things, it just rolled right off and didn't phase me. I just had a very extraordinarily positive view about....well, everything. I spent time with friends just living in the moment. I took a meal to a friend who just had a baby. It was awesome. When things kind of went back to normal the following week, what had happened the week before became very obvious and stunning. It was a God-thing.

I deserve nothing. I haven't been mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend or anything else, of-the-year. This has been a very needy and humbling season in my life. For God to display His mercy on me in a way that freed me from my everyday burdens without actually taking me out of my everyday- wow! Really, amazing. I could cry just talking about it. I am nothing but God, my creator, believes I am something. He took time out of His busy schedule to carry me for a week.

My heart pours out right now as I share about this week that I had. The God that we have is one of love and personal relationships. He cares about our little stuff. And our big stuff. He knows this life is tough and that is why He offers peace that we can't possibly understand.

Amen!

Number 4, baby!

Yesterday, the love of my life, my partner and best friend, my husband Jamie, and I, (man, a lot of commas probably used inappropriately) celebrated 4 years of marriage. The girls and I took a bouquet of flowers to him at school during lunch. We intended on bringing him some fresh fruit also but, because I have two kids and not enough hands for anything else, I dropped all but 2 chunks of pineapple in the parking lot. So, I actually brought him a bouquet of flowers and 2 chunks of pineapple. Happy Anniversary!

Four years ago I had just graduated college and was preparing for my wedding three weeks later. Our wedding was beautiful and I have very few regrets (only about a tablecloth mix-up and something else I can't remember now). It was outdoors in a rose garden and the sun was shining. It almost rained and then it didn't. The ceremony was short but sweet and God was there with us. My mom walked me down the aisle as she has always been both mom and dad to me. The reception went by so fast. I remember dancing and eating a little- we had a tex-mex buffet. I am still hearing about the tex-mex buffet. We did our wedding our way and on a budget and it was awesome.

It is amazing how quickly the time has flown by but how long it feels. So much has changed. Twelve days after our first anniversary we welcomed our first child, Sofia. A month after our third anniversary last year we welcomed our second child, Leila. Mom fell ill last fall and passed in December.  Life looks all different now but we press on, together. I am so thankful to have someone to press-on with.

To my dearest Jamie:

I love laughing with you, staying up too late to watch ACL or SNL, holding your hand in the car, our dates to Target and Chipotle, sharing a love for books, paper and writing utensils and summers together. What a time we have had darling! But like we always say, at least we can experience life's adventures together, good or bad. I wouldn't trade my traveling buddy for anything. I think you are beautiful and we are going to make it. Thank you for being my rock and my heart, my love and everything I need. I love you more today than I have ever before. Happy Anniversary, baby!

Stop inducing labor just because... I mean it! Stop!

proud mom with baby sofia

My little darling Sofia will be three years old in 2 weeks. I can't believe it has been so long. She is growing up way too fast! Her birthday and some other experiences that I have recently heard of bring to mind some serious thoughts regarding labor induction.

In a previous post I described my labor induction experience with Sofia. Here are some cliff notes if you are just tuning in. I was 4 days late the first time they wanted to induce. I just didn't feel right about it.... so I called the hospital and literally cancelled my appointment and didn't show up. I was 10 days late the next time my doctor called for induction. Being it my first pregnancy and that when the doctor talked to me he used the term "placental decline," I agreed reluctantly. My whole pregnancy I was waiting for my water to break in the middle of the grocery (clean up- aisle 4!) or to wake in the middle of the night - "I think this is it!". Unfortunately I got up at the crack of dawn on the day of my induction and packed the car and drove there- no pains, no urgency. To top it all off, at the hospital they insisted on wheeling me up to my room- as if I was really in labor or something. Talk about adding insult to injury!

I got all set up- dressed in my gown, "checked" for progress, hooked into an IV, bands put in place to monitor fetal heart rate and contractions. Enema- check! So much for moving around- it was hard enough using the bathroom. Next- induction drugs. I was given a 1/4 tab of cytotec vaginally every hour for 4 hours. Then the pitocin. Then my water was broken. Then the stadol (a narcotic administered through my IV without my permission that didn't help with my contractions and only made me feel less present during birth). Eventually an epidural. And, at 9:24 pm, my daughter Sofia was born with a little help from a vacuum extractor. Thanks a lot.

While I was overjoyed and super-thankful that we were both healthy, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed in how things shook out. It wasn't until later that I realized how common my not-so-good experience really was. 

So, recently, I had the opportunity to come along side a friend during her pregnancy. It has been a joy getting to know her and being able to share with her what I have learned from my experience. She recently had a beautiful baby boy... via induction. The night before her induction we met and she told me what the doctor had suggested. She was 39 weeks and 3 centimeters. Oh, and her doctor was leaving for vacation in 2 days. I think I did a great job encouraging her despite the anger that I felt towards her doctor for a morally defunct decision regarding her patient. 

When I went to visit my friend, who did (thankfully) have a successful induction, she told me about 3 of her other friends who just had or are about to have their babies. All had been or had appointments to be induced. Including herself, 2 women had bad experiences with epidurals and one birth culminated in c-section. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

It is estimated that upwards of 20% or 1 in 5 births are induced in hospitals today, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. I actually saw 40% on some sites but could not find information to back it. keep in mind that less than 10% are medically necessary. The problem is that it is so common that we think it is normal now. Also, around 40% of all inductions will end with birth by c-section because the body is not ready. This rate could be higher among first-time mommas.  

Some risks of induction :

• Increased risk of abnormal fetal heart rate.
• Increased risk of fetal distress.
• Increased risk of shoulder dystocia.
• Drastically increased risk of your baby being admitted into the NICU.
• Increased risk of vaccum extraction or forcep delivery.
• Increased risk of a cesarean section.
• Increased risk of prematurity.
• Increased risk of jaundice.

If you are not a high risk pregnancy, here is an example of normal labor:

Between 37 and 42 weeks, you go into labor on your own. You labor naturally by breathing, moving, getting into different positions. If you are having a hospital birth you choose whether to proceed with or without medication. You push when your body is ready. Your baby is born.

I am not trying to minimize or idealize birth- it is a process that can take days and it hurts like hell. Straight-up, no joke. What I am trying to show is that our bodies were specifically designed to procreate and birth! Birth is an amazing experience and a gift, not to mention something that sticks with us for the rest of our lives. The medical industry is trying to sabotage the birth experience by shouting lies at us like:

• "Your baby is too big for you to birth on your own"
• "You don't have to suffer during birth"
• "Allowing the baby to stay in the womb past 40 weeks is dangerous"
• "The baby is going to grow too big"
• "You only have so long and then we will have to do a c-section"
• "Inductions are harmless"
•  "C-sections are no big deal"
• Oh, and here's some formula in case you probably don't make milk like most women (what?!?)

I know there are doctors who truly do care and take their profession and patients very seriously. Those doctors unfortunately are far and few between. The thing that pregnant woman MUST KNOW is that they are in control of their bodies and that their doctors provide information to be considered and that is about it. It is undeniable that doctors get paid more for performing c-sections than standard births- check your bill. You don't think they get paid by pharmaceutical companies for using induction drugs like cytotec or a narcotic like stadol? They sure do. Doctors can only have one master- their patients or big dogs who pay the bills. Who wins? Unfortunately it is not you and I.

Modern medicine has a place, don't get me wrong. There are certain situations that require medical intervention for the health and safety of mom and baby. Too much intervention is happening in a realm that should be more personal, exciting and empowering. Patients are being taken advantage of every single day. 

Labor induction is an epidemic. Women- be encouraged! Your bodies were made to grow and birth babies- on their own. Read, read, read! You are in charge. You can birth your baby. You can have a great birth experience. You are awesome! 

Please read more about inductions and the drug cytotec from the blog Pregnancy, Parenthood & Playtime

http://blog.ctnews.com/elwood/2009/09/15/labor-induction-what-you-may-not-know/

The risks of induction list from above was borrowed from this site.

Wanted!

Jamie: Wanted for bio-piracy?

Last week my darling husband picked me some flowers.... from  a vacant field near our addition. He actually went there to uproot some beautiful purple spring flowers to plant alongside our house. The lot used to belong to a Quaker church until they vacated 8 or so years ago. We have gone there before to pick apples and pears and get other flowers. We have never had a problem until the other day.

As my husband loaded up with his new-found flowers and bouquet for his beauty (ahem, that would be me) the neighbors closest to that field came out and started taking pictures. My husband asked if there was anything he could help them with and they told him that they were supposed to document anyone trying to take flowers from the field. Uh, ok. Whatever.

My husband says "that's fine, we live right over on that street right there so if there is a problem, you can let me know."

I love my husband. 

WATERMELON!

I totally heart watermelon!

Ever since watermelon season started, I have almost singlehandedly eaten 6 watermelons. Granted, the first couple were a little small, but, really!

Can you overdose on watermelon? Can too much of a good thing really be not-so-good? I wanted to know....

Some fun facts about watermelon:
(http://westchesterdish.com/2007/06/ten-facts-you-never-knew-about-watermelon/)

1. Not only does it quench your thirst, it can also quench inflammation that contributes to conditions like asthma, atherosclerosis, diabetes, colon cancer, and arthritis.
2. Over 1,200 varieties of watermelon are grown worldwide.
3. Watermelon is an ideal health food because it doesn’t contain any fat or cholesterol, is high in fiber and vitamins A & C and is a good source of potassium.
4. Pink watermelon is also a source of the potent carotenoid antioxidant, lycopene. These powerful antioxidants travel through the body neutralizing free radicals.
5. Watermelon is a vegetable! It is related to cucumbers, pumpkins and squash.
6. Early explorers used watermelons as canteens.
7. Watermelon is grown in over 96 countries worldwide.
8. In China and Japan watermelon is a popular gift to bring a host.
9. In Israel and Egypt, the sweet taste of watermelon is often paired with the salty taste of feta cheese.
10. Every part of a watermelon is edible, even the seeds and rinds.

According to Self Nutrition Data website (http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/fruits-and-fruit-juices/2072/2) One cup of watermelon balls contains the following:

46 Calories
0g Fat
0mg Cholesterol
2mg Sodium
12g Carbohydrates
1g Dietary Fiber
10g Sugar
1g Protein
18% DV Vitamin A
21% DV Vitamin C
1% DV Calcium
2% DV Iron

It seems to be that the worst thing about watermelon is the sugar. I say, well, at least it is natural sugar!

Eat on, people! Watermelon lovers unite!

God's grace

What do you see? This "angel" was leftover from lunch one day....

God is so good. All the time.

It's easy to get down and think of all the muck in the world and wonder where God is. It's really a glass half empty/ half full thing. You can wonder where God is or you can try and find a place He isn't. Some days it's easy for me to look past the flowers and the trees and the sun in my face and just focus all my energy internally on what is happening to me personally. Last week I really tried to be present with God and not worry about tomorrow.

I realized that for so long now I have been trying to look to a time with less sadness, more sunshine, less financial struggles, more personal freedom, etc. I have been so focused on tomorrow that I am missing today. I am missing my kids lives and my life with my husband. I am missing opportunities to be a good friend to someone and nurture relationships I have. I don't want to miss out on one more thing.

I shared a couple posts ago about the dream I had about my mom playing with my girls. It was more than a good dream for me. It was an example of God's love and grace for me. He sees me struggle, he sees me try and hang on day after day if only by a thread. He knows the desires of my heart- He knows how much my heart hurts for the loss my family has experienced. He knows I am trying to be present with Him although it's hard not to look to tomorrow. God found a way to unite me and my mom and my girls and it is just beautiful.

Some may say, "well if that is something that you wanted and have your mind on, your mom being able to play with your girls, than of course you might dream about it." I agree with that to a certain extent but I choose to recognize it as a God-thing. His timing is perfect. I am so thankful that I deserve less than nothing and yet I have everything I need.

This is one of my very favorite passages from Matthew 6:25-34, about provision:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God wants for His people to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. He will take care of all of our needs- physical, emotional and spiritual.

Thank you God for sharing with me a glimpse of my mother, whom I miss so much! Thank you for letting me and my girls be near to her again!

Amen!

A vegetarian meal idea- almost the only one I have

When I was dating my husband, he used to make this meal that we appropriately called "bachelor stew." It is a vegetarian meal that is easily doubled or tripled and keeps in the fridge for a good couple of days (and even tastes better as it hangs out- one of those foods). He would make a big batch of it and then eat it with tortillas throughout the week.

Well, today is Sunday and for lunch I made bachelor stew. Here's how it goes for anyone interested:

"Bachelor Stew"

You need:
1 tbsp olive oil
1 small onion chopped
2 cans black beans (drained)
1 can Rotel (or just tomatoes if you don't like it HOT) (not drained)
2 cloves garlic minced
3/4 cup frozen corn (can also mix in peas and/or carrots)
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1 tbsp lime juice (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste

How to:
1. Saute onions and garlic in olive oil in a large pan for a couple of minutes.
2. Add remaining ingredients and stir. Feel free to add a little water if needed. Bring to a good simmer.

3. Cover so it can heat through and cook down a little- about 15-20 minutes.
4. Serve with warm tortillas and eat like you would a taco or burrito.

This meal is so easy, fast and good for you. I love one-pan meals!

The right idea....

Today I sat Sofia down to eat her lunch. I decided to nurse Leila before I fed her table food and so I sat down and did so. The next thing I know, Sofia decided to do the same thing for "Icy," our local hockey team's mascot. She says, "look mom, I givin' Icy some milk too!"

It was darling. I said "you've got the right idea, sister!"